When (my) Words Fail

Happy 17th Birthday Shadow!!

Today my beautiful baby boy turns 17! I can not believe he has been with me for more than half of my life! He was given to me in 1992 and he was about 8-12 weeks old.

Shadow, you are my baby boy, my son and I love you more than you will ever know. Momma's going to try very hard today to not think about the fact that she knows this is the last birthday you will ever see. She's going to try very hard not to cry today. I'm so very thankful that I have had 17 wonderful years with you and though I will have more cats throughout my lifetime (Darwin & Charlee included) no one will ever compare to you. You are special. You are one of a kind! You are #1 in my heart now and forever.

Though today is bittersweet I am still extremely happy that you made it here. I'm so sorry your sister Porkchop is not with us to share it.

Well,

Happy Birthday again Shadow my love!

Here's to 17 fantastic years of love and companionship! I love you...

Long overdue update!

So I know it’s been a long time since I updated this thing. I apologize. Though I’m not even sure anyone even reads this anyway. After Porkels’ death it just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to say, I had plenty, I just couldn’t. Since I had taken a month off for MJ’s death I couldn’t very well ONLY take a month off for a cat that was part of my life for 16 years, that just wouldn’t be fair. Two months didn’t seem enough either. Every time I thought about writing I froze. So many times I wanted to express in detail the events of that day, what happened and how it traumatized me.

I CHOSE to accompany my mom. I CHOSE to be in the room with her. I CHOSE to hug her and kiss her face and tell her I loved her and that everything would be ok soon. I CHOSE to be the

last face she’d see as I stood at her head holding her paw whispering I love you alongside my mother as she left this world, and us. I chose to do all that knowing full well my issues with death. So for the trauma I have no one to blame but myself, as well as the guilt.

And if you believe her euthanasia was as simple as all that and she just “went to sleep” then you have never seen it happen. It’s not easy and they don’t just go to sleep. I will forever see her body fight the sedative they gave her first by twisting and flopping on the table. Legs in the air like a turtle on its back and she just couldn’t get up despite her efforts. I’ll forever hear the

sound of her skull banging against the steel table as she flopped around. I was a mess. My

sunglasses were on and hot tears poured from my eyes for hours beforehand, during, and after. They had to give her a second sedative, the poor thing. I always assumed that once the shot is administered they just fall asleep. WRONG! We were told she’d make a gasping sound or two as the last of her oxygen was expelled from her lungs. Oh she made a gasping sound alright, she made several and each one sounded worse than the first. I could only think of her slowly suffocating. Her eyes didn’t close, they sorta bugged out a bit and the pupils were huge. I tried unsuccessfully to close her eyes. This is apparently why my mother chose to stand to Porkels’

back rather than face her like myself. Smart woman, though I couldn’t bear the thought of Porkels not being able to see us and only hear us as she departed.

I had a rough week after it happened. Luckily my husband is incredibly understanding and let me cry on him every night. That week was interesting for several reasons. Pork

els was PTS on a Monday and by the weekend there was a new kitten in the family and mom was in possession of Porkels’ cremains. She resides in a beautiful cedar box with a gold plated name tag that says : Porkels 10/16/92 – 7/20/09. The box is on top of an old tv stand that houses knick-knacks and photos in mom’s house in front of the last and best photo I had taken of her. It’s so sad to think of her in that tiny box and to know that we will never hear her purr again, see those beautiful green eyes gazing up at us trying to figure out what we’re eating and if she’s being cute enough to get any, or touch her soft fur ever again. We still miss her terribly, especially mom.

I felt it finally appropriate to update as tomorrow is Shadow’s (and would be Porkel’s) 17^th birthday. It’s extremely bittersweet for me as I know in my heart that this will be the last birthday Shadow will ever see. My baby boy is dying right before my eyes and there is nothing I can do to help him. Even if surgery was financially an option he is 17 years old and would never

survive it. My once 16lb bundle of love is skin and bones and a mere 5.2lbs. He weighed 9lbs at his yearly in January and then 7 at his appointment in July. He’s dropped the last bit since July and he weighed in at 5.2 last night when J weighed him. To be perfectly honest I am hoping that one of these days when I go to check on him he has just quietly passed on in his sleep. I do not

want to have to make a PTS appointment for him. I just can’t make that decision. If I thought it was bad losing Porkels how is it going to be when I lose my baby? Porkels I loved but she was really mom’s cat. Now Shadow, well he’s my boy, always has been. Laugh if you will but he has

been with me more than half of my life. This cat is my son and I love him more than anything. I am going to be absolutely gutted when he goes. Truthfully I am suffering now watching my baby deteriorate before my very eyes. I cry a lot these days. Luckily Shadow still allows me to sob into his fur and Darwin has let me on occasion as well. It gets harder and harder to snuggle Shadow as he is so bony and has trouble getting comfortable. He does do his damndest to lay as close to me as possible though and most night I find him curled up on my pillow, his paw

resting on my head or my arm. This is hard and it is only going to get harder. Before the water level in my eyes rises any higher I am going to switch gears. Birthday post tomorrow and just try to keep Shadow in your thoughts.

Now I mentioned a kitten did I not? Some may already be familiar with my little girl but others may not. After Porkels’ passed my girl A thought my mom might like a kitten and so s

he had me ask her. A’s mom runs a daycare and one of the kids’ parent’s friend’s cat had had kittens. (You follow that?!) Mom politely declined but I asked A to find out what sex the kitten was and what type. A was leaving for a cruise but said she’d have her dad check and she’d let me know. Somehow somewhere “what kind of kitten are they and what sex?” turned into “Ashley wants one of the kittens”. Do not ask me how. So later that week I get a call from A’s mom, M. She tells me my kitten is being dropped off at her place that afternoon and what time would I be coming by to get it. Imagine my surprise! I told her that I hadn’t said I wanted a kitten that I was just curious about them. She freaks out ever so slightly because she knows she can not

keep the kitten, they have 2 very large, non-cat friendly dogs. Naturally it is a Friday and she has nowhere to turn. I also discover that this kitten is a female when I prefer males. ::grumble:: I felt awful for M as she is so sweet and sensitive and she felt terrible about the miscommunication even though she had had nothing to do with it. I also started to feel bad for this kitten that no one seemed to want and was starting to get the sneaky suspicion that she had been dumped. So I told M it would not be a problem and I would take the kitten in. I told

her I’d be down later afternoon to pick her up.

When I got there I see a teeny tiny kitten that looks almost identical to Shadow. (Seriously, all the color combinations in the world and the SAME as my beloved Shadow?! Grrr) I scoop her up and she promptly falls asleep on me. No one knows I have this kitten, not my in-laws, whose house J and I are living in, and not even J. I’m just going to go home and show up with a baby kitty. This should be fun. My first stop is actually my mom’s house, who despite not actually wanting the cat fell in love with her anyway. She is perfectly content playing Nana to the cats. Of course when I got home everyone “ohhhhed” & “ahhhhed” over the kitten and no one was angry. She went a few days without a name as we needed to come up with the perfect one. We

finally settled on Charlotte as it means “little &womanly” and she is tiny and the only female in the Carnes’ Cat Trio. We never actually call her Charlotte though, she goes by Charlee and her tag even reads Charlee. Charlee is derived from the male version “Charlie” which means FREE and believe me when I tell you this cat HATES to be confined! She had to have a separate play-pen for a few months until she was large enough to have the run of the house unsupervised and she was none to thrilled with her accommodations. Now she is almost 5 months old and has had her freedom for a few weeks now. Everything is working out wonderfully with her. She is quite a momma’s girl and loves to sleep on my head in my hair. She behaves at the vet and even

rides well in the car. Once a week I take her down to my mom’s house for a girl’s day so now

she doesn’t associate the carry case with the vet’s office. She absolutely ADORES Darwin and the feeling is mutual. Shadow tolerates them both but he’s old so he’s grumpy and it’s to be expected.

(Charlee's first night. So tiny!!)

Let’s see…what else is new….

(Charlee today!)

J is enjoying law school immensely, which makes everyone happy. I’m still struggling with my photography but have since learned it is my lens and NOT me. I would also like to say that I have lost 36.4lbs since starting my lifestyle change in July and have gone from a size 12 in jeans to a size 4. I’m quite close to my goal weight but I’m content here too. I see the diabetic nurse in about 2 weeks and I am excited. I hope she has some good news for me!

Well that’s about it for now. I’ll try to be a bit more regular in my updates from now on. I hope I still have readers!

R.I.P Porkchop

R.I.P

Porkchop

Oct.16, 1992-July 20, 2009

Wait for us on Rainbow Bridge pretty baby...

Sadly we had to put our beautiful baby to sleep today. She could no longer walk or eat and was crying so pitifully. It was the hardest thing I have had to do to date. Mom and I took her in today at 11 and at 11:30 she took her last breath. Mom couldn't look at her face but I did so I was the last thing our pretty baby saw before she left us. She's at peace now.

am truly heartbroken...both Porkles and her brother, my cat Shadow are my first cats. I don't handle death well anyway and this is awful. I can't believe how much it hurts. I can only imagine how much worse it will be when my Shadow leaves me.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... Author unknown...

I

Interesting...

So the concert was last night and it was AMAZING! I'm not going to review it just yet as I am still kinda tired. I promise I will do it soon. In the mean time I have uploaded my photos to Face Book. Feel free to check those bad boys out!

So this next bit may be a little TMI for some. Remember I had started this blog about sex and ovulation and all that fun girly stuff. This cycle was my first charting my temps and trust me when I tell you they are all over the freakin place. I was having a dull ache yesterday and noticed I was becoming aroused by J more easily than normal. Of course the man can just sense it and therefore has to have it...lol. We left later than anticipated for the concert because of him! Then of course he kept pawing me when we were getting ready for bed at 3am! He can be so insatiable sometimes! Anyway as I was temping yesterday and then today I noticed they had dipped just slightly. I thought I might use an ovulation test strip for the hell of it and lo and behold I got a positive! Of course telling J this just makes him try to drag me back to the bedroom. I have held him off for a few hours but bed time does approach...lol. I have lost some weight (about 15lbs) so maybe my bod is righting itself? Will this be the month? (Awful awful timing so it would stand to reason...) I have no answers but I can't help but get a little happy when I see a positive. It's kind of hard to explain. ::shrug::

I guess I'll test tomorrow and then I have the 2ww again. Oh Joy!

It's good to be back

I know I have been quiet for some time now. I was very thrown by the death of Michael Jackson. In all honesty it was a part of my childhood that died. I do not handle death very well and I just needed to process it. I'm not over it but I get by with listening to his music a fair amount of the time in the car and at the gym. It helps. So after a long "moment" of silence for the fallen King of Pop I feel ready to blog again.

I know you all can barely contain your enthusiasm.

I am attending my very first concert tomorrow evening. 25 years old and have never been to a concert. ::shrug:: There really was never any one I wanted to see all that badly. Except Billy Joel and Elton John. =) 6 years ago they toured together and I though it would be awesome to see them. Sadly no one I knew could afford the tickets or even wanted to go. It's a damn shame that J and I didn't start talking sooner because apparently he had the same problem in his circle of friends. We are married now and I find it ironic that this is the year they decided to tour again. I was damned we were going to miss them twice! So tomorrow we will be at Gillette Stadium rocking out to two of my faves! I'm very excited but this concert is also kinda bittersweet for me. I know it's kind of a silly reason but I can't really help how I feel. Last December J and I had decided that we would TTC. Both of us knew it was going to be difficult considering all my health problems so we figured we would start now. He knows how much I want to be a mother and despite whether or not the timing is right he just wants to make me happy. (Any one wonder why I love him?) Deep down I figured that if I paid closer attention to my body and when I was ovulating (also taking the Clomid) that it really wouldn't take too many tries. I never really considered myself naive until this point. So when we bought tickets I had dreams of being pregnant by the time the concert rolled around. I figured I would only have been a month or two along...but pregnant nonetheless.

Clearly I am not pregnant. I haven't ovulated so becoming pregnant is kinda impossible. So you can see (no matter how ridiculous it may be) why this concert is somewhat bittersweet for me. Of course I will still have a great time. I just feel bummed I guess.

On the subject of pregnancy or lack there of...I am getting annoyed. I bought a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and it is certainly an interesting read. I am doing all the things I should be doing. Hell I have even dropped 15lbs! So tell me why I am not ovulating? We had a consultation at RSC and honestly I was less than impressed. I did not like the doctor we met with at all, she lacked compassion. I respect the straight forwardness of her approach but I still didn't like her. Just because one doctor ruled out Cushing's does not automatically mean that I have PCOS. We have NEVER had a definitive test to diagnose this. I am well aware that it is difficult to diagnose however telling me that it is kind of a default diagnosis does NOT MAKE ME HAPPY! I found that to be rude and rather unprofessional though I often overreact so maybe this is another one of those instances? Truth is I have not had a good gynecologist in a long time. My last one I liked until I realized that he didn't care and was too busy for his patients. Not to mention his staff was rude and uncooperative. So what I want to do is find a fantastic gynecologist and somewhat "start over". I'm not convinced I have PCOS and I am not convinced that we need to be seeking help for infertility yet. I can't explain it, it's just a gut feeling. I keep having to deal with sucky doctors who don't care and don't listen.

If we ARE in fact in the "infertility boat" we still don't need a specialist. I decided long ago that I would go through whatever blood tests I needed to to check out all my girly bits and ensure they are in working order and J would have his semen checked too. Out of all the steps and procedures that are possible to have a successful pregnancy I always said I would only take drugs to try and aid in ovulation. No surgery, No IUI, NO IVF...none of that stuff. It just shouldn't be that hard and if it IS going to be that hard then it is just not meant to be. J thinks I will change my mind...but I know myself and know what I can and can't handle. I want children. I want to be a mother but if it isn't in the cards then...it isn't in the cards. Science is great for many things but I just feel that some things should be left up to nature. So I guess what I need to do now is find a reputable, caring gynecologist in my area that takes my insurance. Not really an easy task but...

Anyway. This post got to be a lot longer than I anticipated and also went in a direction I wasn't sure I wanted to go in. I guess I just needed to vent. It's time to go feed my cats, feed myself and J, go see a movie and then to bed to gear up for the show tomorrow. It's going to be LEGENDARY! :)

The King of Pop is gone...

R.I.P

Michael Jackson

August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Today we lost a legend...

I have no words. :*(