Stay +

Another + OPK! I also have mild pains where my right ovary is. These are good signs! Wish us luck please!!

OMGOMGOMG

I'll warn you now, this post may be TMI for those who are uninterested.

You have been warned.

Back to my OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! Why? Well for those of you who know I have been testing with OPK's for what seems like forever now and NADA. Not today! I tested and got 2 lines!! The same shade!

It's not the best photo in the world but nonetheless 2 pink lines of equal darkness! I was so stunned I snapped this pic with my phone and sent it to J, who promptly came home on his lunch break. ;)

I'm terribly hopeful that this means something good will happen health-wise.

It's funny...I did have a dream the other night that J and I had a little girl. I hate those dreams because they are always so real. But maybe it was a sign?

I'm going to try not to get ahead of myself. However, a positive OPK is a step in the right  direction and I'll take what I can get! :)

Really??

I'm not sure J should have told me this...

He says if he doesn't get into Law school this time around (Yes we are still waiting for their response) then we can just save for a bit and just look in NYC. Now I feel like an awful wife because I kinda don't want him to get in here...

I'm not that big of a bitch...he doesn't want to graduate from Suffolk anyway, it'd just be a stepping stone. So it's not a huge deal if he bypassed the stone and went for a school he'd rather graduate from, like Pace...

I just want to get away from here...

There's got to be more somewhere.

Which reminds me, I need to call the therapists. ;)

No news is...

NOT good news, it's freakin annoying as all hell! (Had to get that out...)

I have yet to get the results for Cushing's and my Pcp didn't have them either. Greeeat. He said they were too slow so now I am scheduled for a Cat Scan of my abdomen as well as an MRI. Hooray! I also have to see the Diabetic nurse as I am pre-diabetic and we need to wrangle this...

Of course the pre-diabetic is due to the weight gain and the weight gain is due to the "couldpossiblybecushingsbutwedon'tknowbecausetheendocrinologistisslowerthanfuckinmolasses!"

I can't win. I asked my pcp to recommend a therapist of some sort and he asked why I thought I needed one. (Keep in mind this is the doctor of my husband's family, everyone in the family) I said I had issues dealing with all this as well as stress and my life was about to get a whole lot more stressful. He asked me how and I said that in a few weeks I'd be moving back in with my MIL. He smiled and said "Let me get that card for you.."

Hmph

So that is where I am at right now.

Results?

I have a doctor's appointment today with my Pcp. Since I have yet to receive the results of the 24 hour urine test for Cushing's so I am hoping to get those today. I am also hoping for a positive. Why? For an answer. I'm terrified that it'll be negative and we will be no closer to an answer or help for me than we were before. I'm miserable enough. Sad thing is that I have to go alone. J will still be in work. :( 

Well it's a few hours before I have to be there so I think I should find something to do. I wish I liked shopping...lol. Oh well a shower and an iced coffee then!

Update later.

I think I just experienced my first anxiety attack...

I'm not sure and I'm barely able to type right now. I know what set it off...Shadow. I'm so terrified of losing him and I know he is not doing well. He's old and wearing out. I can't handle it and since I can't sleep I am fixated on it. This happens whenever I converse with the vet but never as bad as tonight. Of course it is most likely due to my increasing depression. I already told J that when I visit the pcp this tuesday I am having him recommend someone. He is ok with it, as he said he "just wants his wife back." 

Fair enough.

Luckily I had some valium left over from the dentist. I took 2 and now the bottle is empty(it only had 6 in it and it was from last August). I wish I had more. I may need whichever psychological doctor has the prescription pad...

Waiting for the pills to kick in. Don't want to be alone. I'm not really, Shadow is under the dining room table watching me, he has a good view of the couch from there. Darwin is on patrol and J is snoring in the bedroom. I don't want to write about the attack I kind of want to forget about it. I need to...because I am scaring myself.

Have you ever

known something was really wrong but couldn't quite put your finger on it? Not only that but have no idea how to remedy it. Yes? Well welcome to my world. Please, sit down and enjoy your stay. Is it cold? You look cold. I guess I am used to it. Sorry.

Yeah

Something is not right. I don't just mean about the ovulation/weight/potential Cushing's issue. I mean, well, I don't know what I mean. This is going to sound awful, repetitive, and somewhat indulgent but am I still screwed up from high school? Somewhere something switched... now to be honest I hated being the clingy, doting, girlfriend. Always affectionate, ever-forgiving, glutton for punishment. Now, not so much. Why do I have such a hard time loving my husband? That came out wrong. Why do I have such a hard time expressing how I feel to him? Is it from before? Or is it actually due to my unexplained issues that the medical professionals and I are trying to figure out?

I go through phases. Sometimes I'm very affectionate but mostly I'm kind of cold and turned off. I'm also one of those "if I don't really feel it I'm not going to fake it and try" types. (Funny coming from someone who was an actor)

Don't take this the wrong way. I love my husband and honestly don't know where I'd be without him. I just wish I was better at expressing it. My mom says I'm like my father but I disagree. I wasn't always this way. I used to be very affectionate, ask my ex's (actually don't...)and I even used to like sex. (This I know is due to whatever made me get fat and ruined my reproductive self...)

It's not him.

So why does he have to suffer? I hate that he does and he's so patient about it but honestly, it's got to take a toll on him too, he IS only human. 

I just wish I had answers...

I could go on and on about this forever but to what end? I won't be any closer to an answer than I was before. 

I do think I need a therapist. I wonder if our insurance covers it...

How does one go about this? A referral? I guess I'll just out and ask the Dr. on the 28th.

I need help...

I want help...

I just miss me. 

I'm in here somewhere...