tick tock tick tock

I wonder if there is an age where you are supposed to hear your biological clock ticking. Not that I haven't been hearing it (hell I have wanted to have J's babies ever since I knew I'd marry him!) but now it is keeping me up at night! I'm supposed to ovulate this weekend...I haven't tested yet, I am planning on it tomorrow when I get up. I'm scared though. I have been feeling quite positive about myself reproductively lately. I got an actual period, blood work's been looking good, the ultrasound was clean... I took the Clomid. I am just really thinking this could be our month. (Timing would be awful so it would stand to reason...) I'm afraid to test because what if deep down I really know it will be negative. I should be getting a mail packet soon with all the info on my referral for the R.E so I am moving in the right direction..I just don't want to go through all this aggravation. Why can't it be easier? I see/ know too many people who wind up pregnant by accident who really shouldn't even be parents. I know I should be that judgmental but lets be honest here, some people should not be allowed to have children. Honestly, there should be some kind of examination you hae to pass in order to keep your reproductive rights and if you fail, sterilization. (Ahh if only I ruled the world, lol)

Oh well....some day.

No restraint

Soooo I tested today, 2 days early. I couldn't help it. I was tired of seeing negative O tests so I figured while I was testing on one strip I could test on two. So I did one of each and saw two BFN's, big surprise. I suppose I could have tested too early and depending on how many days go by before AF arrives I may test again. I know in my heart that I am empty though so in reality I should not feel so disappointed. I can't help it though.

I think the reason I tested was because of all the positive dreams I was having last night. Oh well.

Deck the halls with OPK's fa la la la la la la la DAMN!

AF is due on the 31st, so a few days away and I don't have any symptoms yet. Not surprising though since I'm usually never on time. I'm soooo sick of testing with OPK's but I figure if AF is late then O might be too, again if the tests actually work. So, despite my severe moodiness, no symptoms. I've been wicked tired but no sore breasts. I've also had minor cramping where I assume my ovaries are and also a lot of lower back pain. But I have other issues so who knows what these are from. A friend of mine recommended I see an Endocrinologist because all of my issues would seem to be linked to my thyroid. My PCP has checked it and says it is normal, but apparently PCP's can't read them correctly and to them what appears normal an Endo will see a nuance that makes it not so normal. Hmph, and here I was trusting that my PCP knew what he was doing! More and more I feel like he just passes the buck and doesn't do squat. (Hence the sending me to a psychiatrist for my headaches without testing me or having me see a neurologist first-Jerk!) Anyway, so she saw an Endo and they gave her a prescription that improved her moods, helped her menstrual cycle, and also helped her shed 67lbs!! Now if I lost 67lbs I'd weight under 100lbs which would not be good, but if I could get to that 115-120lb range again I'd be thrilled!! Speaking of which there is a gym within walking distance from our house that I plan on signing up for asap. I liked going (despite NEVER seeing results) but I hated the effort ot took to get in the car and drive all the way over to wherever the gym I attended was at. This will be a piece of cake! (rice cake that is..*grumble grumble*) So monday I plan on emailing my PCP and requesting a referral to an Endo. He better not give me hell or I will LOSE.MY.SHIT! (Seriously, I'm sick of running around trying to figure out wtf is wrong with me. I know something is and we pay you asswipes far too much for you NOT to do anything right!)

On a side note I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas or Happy Whatever You Celebrate with your near and dear. :) I cooked like a madwoman here and was met with rave reviews. I planned on taking photos of the spread but never got a chance and everything went so quickly! Of course all I could think was how hard it would have been to do all I did either pregnant or with a small child running around. Eeks! Lol Someday.

Now I am off to run some errands and hope for some other symptoms either of AF so I can start trying again or other such symptoms. ;)

oh blah dee

Oh my where to begin? How about with I FREAKING HATE LOATHE & DESPISE OVULATION TESTS!!!???!?!?!? Yes, if you haven't guessed I got another negative. I think I am really going with maybe these Target brand crapolas just don't work for me. They simply can't handle the pee that is me. FINE. 

We didn't have sex last night. J's work holiday party was last night and 1) we were out way late (home at 1) and 2) The boy had a LOT to drink. Well, a lot for him even if it was over the span of a few hours. He can't really handle alcohol all that well, lol. Luckily he didn't have a hang-over when he woke up this morning. So since he was very tired, no sex. It's ok though, we haven't had more than a day between the times we've had sex so...hopefully some of his boys linger. Heehee

I really could have killed him last night though. I wasn't drinking, I stuck with cranberry juice to be festive. However 2 of the girls noticed and were asking me about it saying that they were pretty sure I was a drinker and didn't they remember me drinking in the summer. I was kinda stalling on a reason as to why I wasn't drinking (open bar after all) when they asked me if I was pregnant. Before I could answer J smirks and says maybe. I COULD HAVE SMACKED HIM! As far as we know there is nothing to tell we are just trying so...

It's not that I mind (because the girls were excited) but I don't know that there is anything to be excited about. I'm almost positive there isn't(there's my pessimistic side) and I don't need others eager to await news I can't give. I know he was just excited at the prospect. 

Of course after he said "maybe" the questions started so I just set the record straight that honestly at this moment, I have no idea but it is possible. I also told the 2 girls that I have a lot of issues and I am on medication and that was why I wasn't drinking. I didn't want to take the chance of screwing something up. That seemed to suffice.

So yeah..that was yesterday and why no sex. However this weekend we are to be snowed in and we have to make entertainment somehow. ;) 

2ww?

Can it officially be a 2 week wait if I'm not even sure I ovulated? LOL. According to one site www.mycycle.com I should have ovulated yesterday. (Which annoys me because the only night we didn't have sex was the 16th grrr) However according to my little ticker from thebump.com says I should ovulate in 1 day. Of course I have tested negative every day since Dr. Aron told me to start testing, which was day 12, last sunday. ARGH! So damned if I know whether or not I have ovulated! According to my last post and some women that I have talked to sometimes these opk's don't work. Again J says the safest bet is to just have sex every night which is damn harder than you'd think! We missed the 16th due to extreme exhaustion :( and last night was a toughie but we made it. ;) I honestly don't know how much more if this I can take! lol...I mean I love my husband and I love having sex with him but jeez...hehe

How Long!?

Seriously, I know it is only day 3 since testing began, but when am I going to ovulate? I'm getting very frustrated. I am trying to stay positive but it is very difficult when I keep getting big fat negatives!