You ready for this?

::sigh:: It'll come as no surprise that today AF is due. I have no AF and no symptoms. One might ask if I am pregnant, after all, it IS possible right? Wrong!! I POS this morning and received a BFN. That would be the 2nd one for this cycle if anyone is keeping count. I'm saddened but I also think I have the reason figured out and that makes me Angry!!! You ready? This will be similar to one of my last entries only with more detail.

Back when the periods went on hiatus and my weight sky rocketed the doctors assumed I had PCOS. Not a test was done but I was put on Metformin. It made me sick, and I mean really really sick. Eventually an ultrasound was done and cysts were seen, so I was told. I lost health insurance and therefore stopped looking for an answer to my problems.. After J and I got married I regained health insurance and began looking for answers again. My period is still screwy (amidst a bunch of other issues) and I couldn't drop the weight despite valiant efforts. My Pcp as well as my Gyno tested my thyroid and both said it was normal. OK. Fast forward to Christmas Eve and a friend of mine is telling me that her daughter has similar issues to mine ( had trouble losing weight, sever mood swings, couldn't sleep, no sex drive and inability to orgasm, migraines...) The doctors kept telling her that her thyroid was fine. She sought an Endocrinologist and he said her thyroid was not normal and that Pcp's can't read the test results correctly. They lump in a bunch of numbers and call them "normal" when in actuality certain variations mean different things. Great.... Well anyway she was put on medication and everything has improved, she even lost 67lbs! There is a marked difference in her moods too. So I got curious and looked up Endocrine on Wikipedia. Check out the section titled : Table of endocrine glands and secreted hormones

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endocrine

EVERYTHING and I mean *EVERYTHING* that I have an issue with is connected to the Endocrine system. I never knew. I am livid that not one doctor I ever had suggested I see a specialist. No they just dismiss me. Honestly you people get paid way to much fucking money to dismiss people! I have been miserable for years when I could have been getting treated. I was miserable with how I looked on my wedding day because I knew in my heart it wasn't me and it wasn't my fault. I could have been getting help. I'm just so frustrated. It's also linked to ovulation...everything! 

My Pcp was fine with giving me the referral but the earliest appointment I could get with the Endo was January 28. I'm so impatient I want to start getting better now!

Thanks for listening. 

No restraint

Soooo I tested today, 2 days early. I couldn't help it. I was tired of seeing negative O tests so I figured while I was testing on one strip I could test on two. So I did one of each and saw two BFN's, big surprise. I suppose I could have tested too early and depending on how many days go by before AF arrives I may test again. I know in my heart that I am empty though so in reality I should not feel so disappointed. I can't help it though.

I think the reason I tested was because of all the positive dreams I was having last night. Oh well.

Not my finest hour...

So things seem to be going well for everyone but me. while I am very happy for them I can't help but examine my own situation and feel bummed. Please don't think I am an awful friend, I just can't help being a bit sad. First congrats must go out to Tara, she finally saw those two little pink lines. I'm very happy for your girl, the baby dust must have stuck well! Also, another friend TeawithFrodo seems to be having good signs all over the place though holding a collective breath until she finds out for certain tomorrow. (Crossing fingers for ya!!) 

So yes, good news all around. Of course now I'm feeling very mopey and left out. I'll get over it. I am Queen of rationalizing things and if this isn't our month too then it is just as well, it'll give me time to get in touch with an Endo and see if I can't drop a little weight before packing on some pregnancy pounds. I also signed up for the gym today and have my first of two free personal training sessions tomorrow. So yes, skinny me here I come! (Oh if only I was truly this positive...) 

I'm also a bit bummed due to the job front. I saw what appeared to be a easy job-answering phones and answering emails and faxes for a start-up. It was $8/hour which I didn't love but figured for such an easy job something would be better than nothing. they also promised bonuses and raises as the company progressed and got stronger. Great right!? Wrong. I got an email back telling me that this position would be a huge step down for me and that they'd keep me on file if anything else opened up. WTF?! I truly can not win! No one wants to hire me, I can't get pregnant, and my body won't even function normally. I feel like a freak. :( 

It's just not a great day. Sorry all.

Deck the halls with OPK's fa la la la la la la la DAMN!

AF is due on the 31st, so a few days away and I don't have any symptoms yet. Not surprising though since I'm usually never on time. I'm soooo sick of testing with OPK's but I figure if AF is late then O might be too, again if the tests actually work. So, despite my severe moodiness, no symptoms. I've been wicked tired but no sore breasts. I've also had minor cramping where I assume my ovaries are and also a lot of lower back pain. But I have other issues so who knows what these are from. A friend of mine recommended I see an Endocrinologist because all of my issues would seem to be linked to my thyroid. My PCP has checked it and says it is normal, but apparently PCP's can't read them correctly and to them what appears normal an Endo will see a nuance that makes it not so normal. Hmph, and here I was trusting that my PCP knew what he was doing! More and more I feel like he just passes the buck and doesn't do squat. (Hence the sending me to a psychiatrist for my headaches without testing me or having me see a neurologist first-Jerk!) Anyway, so she saw an Endo and they gave her a prescription that improved her moods, helped her menstrual cycle, and also helped her shed 67lbs!! Now if I lost 67lbs I'd weight under 100lbs which would not be good, but if I could get to that 115-120lb range again I'd be thrilled!! Speaking of which there is a gym within walking distance from our house that I plan on signing up for asap. I liked going (despite NEVER seeing results) but I hated the effort ot took to get in the car and drive all the way over to wherever the gym I attended was at. This will be a piece of cake! (rice cake that is..*grumble grumble*) So monday I plan on emailing my PCP and requesting a referral to an Endo. He better not give me hell or I will LOSE.MY.SHIT! (Seriously, I'm sick of running around trying to figure out wtf is wrong with me. I know something is and we pay you asswipes far too much for you NOT to do anything right!)

On a side note I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas or Happy Whatever You Celebrate with your near and dear. :) I cooked like a madwoman here and was met with rave reviews. I planned on taking photos of the spread but never got a chance and everything went so quickly! Of course all I could think was how hard it would have been to do all I did either pregnant or with a small child running around. Eeks! Lol Someday.

Now I am off to run some errands and hope for some other symptoms either of AF so I can start trying again or other such symptoms. ;)

Where it's at

Ok so here's where I am at. Still no ovulation according to all of my pee sticks. I'm trying not to be concerned about this. I'm also wondering if maybe I just started testing too early. Think about it, most cycles are 28 days, mine isn't. My Gyno was basing when I should start on a 28 day cycle. I never know when my period will show up so I can't really count. I'm usually way late if I get it at all so who the hell knows! Oddly enough at my last appointment (Dec. 3rd) I got my period, 2 days early!! I'm NEVER early. ::sigh:: So since I am not feeling any period symptoms and I also have not ovulated (or the tests don't work) I'm  kind of at a loss.

At least I can test all I want now for wicked cheap! I have been reading wonderful things about ovulation/pregnancy tests from Dollar Tree. Tests for a buck! Can't beat that! Seriously, 7 Target brand ovulation tests are $12-something. I can buy 7 single Dollar Tree tests for $7! AWESOME.

I picked up a few of each test today. I should probably refill my Clomid prescription. 

Christmas this week! ::Squee:: But sadly no Christmas baby.

oh blah dee

Oh my where to begin? How about with I FREAKING HATE LOATHE & DESPISE OVULATION TESTS!!!???!?!?!? Yes, if you haven't guessed I got another negative. I think I am really going with maybe these Target brand crapolas just don't work for me. They simply can't handle the pee that is me. FINE. 

We didn't have sex last night. J's work holiday party was last night and 1) we were out way late (home at 1) and 2) The boy had a LOT to drink. Well, a lot for him even if it was over the span of a few hours. He can't really handle alcohol all that well, lol. Luckily he didn't have a hang-over when he woke up this morning. So since he was very tired, no sex. It's ok though, we haven't had more than a day between the times we've had sex so...hopefully some of his boys linger. Heehee

I really could have killed him last night though. I wasn't drinking, I stuck with cranberry juice to be festive. However 2 of the girls noticed and were asking me about it saying that they were pretty sure I was a drinker and didn't they remember me drinking in the summer. I was kinda stalling on a reason as to why I wasn't drinking (open bar after all) when they asked me if I was pregnant. Before I could answer J smirks and says maybe. I COULD HAVE SMACKED HIM! As far as we know there is nothing to tell we are just trying so...

It's not that I mind (because the girls were excited) but I don't know that there is anything to be excited about. I'm almost positive there isn't(there's my pessimistic side) and I don't need others eager to await news I can't give. I know he was just excited at the prospect. 

Of course after he said "maybe" the questions started so I just set the record straight that honestly at this moment, I have no idea but it is possible. I also told the 2 girls that I have a lot of issues and I am on medication and that was why I wasn't drinking. I didn't want to take the chance of screwing something up. That seemed to suffice.

So yeah..that was yesterday and why no sex. However this weekend we are to be snowed in and we have to make entertainment somehow. ;) 

2ww?

Can it officially be a 2 week wait if I'm not even sure I ovulated? LOL. According to one site www.mycycle.com I should have ovulated yesterday. (Which annoys me because the only night we didn't have sex was the 16th grrr) However according to my little ticker from thebump.com says I should ovulate in 1 day. Of course I have tested negative every day since Dr. Aron told me to start testing, which was day 12, last sunday. ARGH! So damned if I know whether or not I have ovulated! According to my last post and some women that I have talked to sometimes these opk's don't work. Again J says the safest bet is to just have sex every night which is damn harder than you'd think! We missed the 16th due to extreme exhaustion :( and last night was a toughie but we made it. ;) I honestly don't know how much more if this I can take! lol...I mean I love my husband and I love having sex with him but jeez...hehe

well...maybe

Got another negative today! (quel surprise!) Skipped the sex last night, we were both exhausted! I feel like my CM is a little more prevalent today despite the negative so I may have to persuade him tonight. ;) I have another journal that is a member of some fertility issue communities. I learned today that some woman never see a positive but have had babies in the past so they know they ovulate. On the one hand I don't feel so odd anymore, but on the other...jeez louise! How the hell am I supposed to know?

I'm extremely achy so I dunno. I guess we'll just go for it tonight. ;)

Oh, J and I had a cute exchange this morning. He got up earlier than usual to shovel and clean off the cars. I got up and saw he had done mine too. I went back to bed before he came back in the house. He came in to smooch me good bye.

Me: You didn't need to clean off my car

J: Yeah I did.

Me: Why? I'm not going out.

J: ::points to me:: Yes I did, Wife. :)

He's such a sweetie.

a funny

So I know J and I have been doing it every night for awhile now but I wasn't sure how long. I texted J to see if he knew because he is great with dates. This was the conversation:

Me: When did we start havin sex?

J: June 24, 2003

Me: lol! Wow! No silly, in the last week,

J: Oh, last wednesday.

Too funny!

a change in plans

So originally I was told my regular multi-vitamin was fine, now not so much. So, onto prenatal vitamins. Why the change? Caffeine. I hate that the multi-vitamin has a ton of caffeine and with my insomnia...yeah, a change needed to happen.

Still a negative in the ovulation department. ::sigh:: Must.Not.Get.Irritated. According to my little ticker on my desktop I'm due to ovulate in 3 days. Why oh why did the gyno have me start testing over the weekend? ::sigh:: I know, he just didn't want me to miss it.

My ever-enthusiastic husband still insists on simply having sex every night. So far so good but to be honest, last night was a stretch. It wasn't even worth it for me if you catch my drift. 

Maybe I'll pass tonight.

How Long!?

Seriously, I know it is only day 3 since testing began, but when am I going to ovulate? I'm getting very frustrated. I am trying to stay positive but it is very difficult when I keep getting big fat negatives! 

will I or won't I?

Ok, so my gyno told me I should start testing for ovulation (aka pee on a stick) today. I started yesterday. No, I'm not that impatient (ok maybe a little), I was in pain. I have been having an ache on both sides which I attest to being my ovaries. I have achy ovaries people!!! I assumed the Clomid was doing its thing (whatever that is) and I was starting or trying to ovulate. Nope, apparently not.

Let me just take a minute to express the absurdity of the ovulation predictor kit. You pee on the stick and there are two windows, one oval and one square. Now that oval is the control window and will reveal a pink line. The square window is my pink line. If it doesn't appear or is lighter than the oval window's line, the test is negative. If it is the same or darker it is positive. Do you know how many variations of pee stained pink there are?! I do! For the last two days it has been negative, but the line is getting more visible (hope hope hope!) I may go crazy trying to determine the colors later in this week. ::sigh:: Can't anything be easy?

To off set the lack of trust we have in these kits my lovely husband has come up with a solution. Just have sex every night. So far so good. lol! Nothing crazy, lately it has been very simple and I feel like we've been connecting better, no pun intended.  I read somewhere that during sex you should think positively and visualize. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be giving a mental pep talk to his swimmers and my girly bits but I have been trying to think positively. Also trying to visualize positively, which is a hell of a lot harder than it sounds. This is all getting a bit too technical for me. I wish my body worked right. Damn PCOS. Yeah, I think I may have forgotten to mention that I have PCOS. Right now I am in a good place actually, the cysts are gone according to my last ultrasound. So, ::fingers crossed::!!

I think that's it for now, time to go gussy myself up to take the family xmas photo. Third time's a charm right? Right?! :p

Intro

Welcome! This is a brand new journal completely dedicated to my TTC journey! I'm not sure what to say at this point really. I finished the first round of Clomid last night. I'm supposed to start testing with an Ovulation kit on sunday but I think I'm going to test tomorrow morning. My ovaries are starting to ache so I figure it couldn't hurt. We don't want to miss it! Of course J (my husband) just says we can have sex every night and then we're sure to get it. Ha ha He thinks he's so clever.

On the one hand I'd be beyond thrilled to start our family so soon but on the other I am petrified. See J's rationale is that considering my reproductive past, we should start now as it could take years. I agree with him, as does the doctor. I was willing to go the route of Clomid. I'm not sure what other avenues I'd be willing to try. I'm hoping the issue is that I just wasn't ovulating. I'm not sure how technical I can let this get. It's still supposed to be fun and I want it to be that way. So! Enough of that. Welcome again and I promise to try and keep this thing updated often with any thoughts, fears, and/or news. :)