When (my) Words Fail

Happy 17th Birthday Shadow!!

Today my beautiful baby boy turns 17! I can not believe he has been with me for more than half of my life! He was given to me in 1992 and he was about 8-12 weeks old.

Shadow, you are my baby boy, my son and I love you more than you will ever know. Momma's going to try very hard today to not think about the fact that she knows this is the last birthday you will ever see. She's going to try very hard not to cry today. I'm so very thankful that I have had 17 wonderful years with you and though I will have more cats throughout my lifetime (Darwin & Charlee included) no one will ever compare to you. You are special. You are one of a kind! You are #1 in my heart now and forever.

Though today is bittersweet I am still extremely happy that you made it here. I'm so sorry your sister Porkchop is not with us to share it.

Well,

Happy Birthday again Shadow my love!

Here's to 17 fantastic years of love and companionship! I love you...

Long overdue update!

So I know it’s been a long time since I updated this thing. I apologize. Though I’m not even sure anyone even reads this anyway. After Porkels’ death it just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to say, I had plenty, I just couldn’t. Since I had taken a month off for MJ’s death I couldn’t very well ONLY take a month off for a cat that was part of my life for 16 years, that just wouldn’t be fair. Two months didn’t seem enough either. Every time I thought about writing I froze. So many times I wanted to express in detail the events of that day, what happened and how it traumatized me.

I CHOSE to accompany my mom. I CHOSE to be in the room with her. I CHOSE to hug her and kiss her face and tell her I loved her and that everything would be ok soon. I CHOSE to be the

last face she’d see as I stood at her head holding her paw whispering I love you alongside my mother as she left this world, and us. I chose to do all that knowing full well my issues with death. So for the trauma I have no one to blame but myself, as well as the guilt.

And if you believe her euthanasia was as simple as all that and she just “went to sleep” then you have never seen it happen. It’s not easy and they don’t just go to sleep. I will forever see her body fight the sedative they gave her first by twisting and flopping on the table. Legs in the air like a turtle on its back and she just couldn’t get up despite her efforts. I’ll forever hear the

sound of her skull banging against the steel table as she flopped around. I was a mess. My

sunglasses were on and hot tears poured from my eyes for hours beforehand, during, and after. They had to give her a second sedative, the poor thing. I always assumed that once the shot is administered they just fall asleep. WRONG! We were told she’d make a gasping sound or two as the last of her oxygen was expelled from her lungs. Oh she made a gasping sound alright, she made several and each one sounded worse than the first. I could only think of her slowly suffocating. Her eyes didn’t close, they sorta bugged out a bit and the pupils were huge. I tried unsuccessfully to close her eyes. This is apparently why my mother chose to stand to Porkels’

back rather than face her like myself. Smart woman, though I couldn’t bear the thought of Porkels not being able to see us and only hear us as she departed.

I had a rough week after it happened. Luckily my husband is incredibly understanding and let me cry on him every night. That week was interesting for several reasons. Pork

els was PTS on a Monday and by the weekend there was a new kitten in the family and mom was in possession of Porkels’ cremains. She resides in a beautiful cedar box with a gold plated name tag that says : Porkels 10/16/92 – 7/20/09. The box is on top of an old tv stand that houses knick-knacks and photos in mom’s house in front of the last and best photo I had taken of her. It’s so sad to think of her in that tiny box and to know that we will never hear her purr again, see those beautiful green eyes gazing up at us trying to figure out what we’re eating and if she’s being cute enough to get any, or touch her soft fur ever again. We still miss her terribly, especially mom.

I felt it finally appropriate to update as tomorrow is Shadow’s (and would be Porkel’s) 17^th birthday. It’s extremely bittersweet for me as I know in my heart that this will be the last birthday Shadow will ever see. My baby boy is dying right before my eyes and there is nothing I can do to help him. Even if surgery was financially an option he is 17 years old and would never

survive it. My once 16lb bundle of love is skin and bones and a mere 5.2lbs. He weighed 9lbs at his yearly in January and then 7 at his appointment in July. He’s dropped the last bit since July and he weighed in at 5.2 last night when J weighed him. To be perfectly honest I am hoping that one of these days when I go to check on him he has just quietly passed on in his sleep. I do not

want to have to make a PTS appointment for him. I just can’t make that decision. If I thought it was bad losing Porkels how is it going to be when I lose my baby? Porkels I loved but she was really mom’s cat. Now Shadow, well he’s my boy, always has been. Laugh if you will but he has

been with me more than half of my life. This cat is my son and I love him more than anything. I am going to be absolutely gutted when he goes. Truthfully I am suffering now watching my baby deteriorate before my very eyes. I cry a lot these days. Luckily Shadow still allows me to sob into his fur and Darwin has let me on occasion as well. It gets harder and harder to snuggle Shadow as he is so bony and has trouble getting comfortable. He does do his damndest to lay as close to me as possible though and most night I find him curled up on my pillow, his paw

resting on my head or my arm. This is hard and it is only going to get harder. Before the water level in my eyes rises any higher I am going to switch gears. Birthday post tomorrow and just try to keep Shadow in your thoughts.

Now I mentioned a kitten did I not? Some may already be familiar with my little girl but others may not. After Porkels’ passed my girl A thought my mom might like a kitten and so s

he had me ask her. A’s mom runs a daycare and one of the kids’ parent’s friend’s cat had had kittens. (You follow that?!) Mom politely declined but I asked A to find out what sex the kitten was and what type. A was leaving for a cruise but said she’d have her dad check and she’d let me know. Somehow somewhere “what kind of kitten are they and what sex?” turned into “Ashley wants one of the kittens”. Do not ask me how. So later that week I get a call from A’s mom, M. She tells me my kitten is being dropped off at her place that afternoon and what time would I be coming by to get it. Imagine my surprise! I told her that I hadn’t said I wanted a kitten that I was just curious about them. She freaks out ever so slightly because she knows she can not

keep the kitten, they have 2 very large, non-cat friendly dogs. Naturally it is a Friday and she has nowhere to turn. I also discover that this kitten is a female when I prefer males. ::grumble:: I felt awful for M as she is so sweet and sensitive and she felt terrible about the miscommunication even though she had had nothing to do with it. I also started to feel bad for this kitten that no one seemed to want and was starting to get the sneaky suspicion that she had been dumped. So I told M it would not be a problem and I would take the kitten in. I told

her I’d be down later afternoon to pick her up.

When I got there I see a teeny tiny kitten that looks almost identical to Shadow. (Seriously, all the color combinations in the world and the SAME as my beloved Shadow?! Grrr) I scoop her up and she promptly falls asleep on me. No one knows I have this kitten, not my in-laws, whose house J and I are living in, and not even J. I’m just going to go home and show up with a baby kitty. This should be fun. My first stop is actually my mom’s house, who despite not actually wanting the cat fell in love with her anyway. She is perfectly content playing Nana to the cats. Of course when I got home everyone “ohhhhed” & “ahhhhed” over the kitten and no one was angry. She went a few days without a name as we needed to come up with the perfect one. We

finally settled on Charlotte as it means “little &womanly” and she is tiny and the only female in the Carnes’ Cat Trio. We never actually call her Charlotte though, she goes by Charlee and her tag even reads Charlee. Charlee is derived from the male version “Charlie” which means FREE and believe me when I tell you this cat HATES to be confined! She had to have a separate play-pen for a few months until she was large enough to have the run of the house unsupervised and she was none to thrilled with her accommodations. Now she is almost 5 months old and has had her freedom for a few weeks now. Everything is working out wonderfully with her. She is quite a momma’s girl and loves to sleep on my head in my hair. She behaves at the vet and even

rides well in the car. Once a week I take her down to my mom’s house for a girl’s day so now

she doesn’t associate the carry case with the vet’s office. She absolutely ADORES Darwin and the feeling is mutual. Shadow tolerates them both but he’s old so he’s grumpy and it’s to be expected.

(Charlee's first night. So tiny!!)

Let’s see…what else is new….

(Charlee today!)

J is enjoying law school immensely, which makes everyone happy. I’m still struggling with my photography but have since learned it is my lens and NOT me. I would also like to say that I have lost 36.4lbs since starting my lifestyle change in July and have gone from a size 12 in jeans to a size 4. I’m quite close to my goal weight but I’m content here too. I see the diabetic nurse in about 2 weeks and I am excited. I hope she has some good news for me!

Well that’s about it for now. I’ll try to be a bit more regular in my updates from now on. I hope I still have readers!

R.I.P Porkchop

R.I.P

Porkchop

Oct.16, 1992-July 20, 2009

Wait for us on Rainbow Bridge pretty baby...

Sadly we had to put our beautiful baby to sleep today. She could no longer walk or eat and was crying so pitifully. It was the hardest thing I have had to do to date. Mom and I took her in today at 11 and at 11:30 she took her last breath. Mom couldn't look at her face but I did so I was the last thing our pretty baby saw before she left us. She's at peace now.

am truly heartbroken...both Porkles and her brother, my cat Shadow are my first cats. I don't handle death well anyway and this is awful. I can't believe how much it hurts. I can only imagine how much worse it will be when my Shadow leaves me.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... Author unknown...

I

Interesting...

So the concert was last night and it was AMAZING! I'm not going to review it just yet as I am still kinda tired. I promise I will do it soon. In the mean time I have uploaded my photos to Face Book. Feel free to check those bad boys out!

So this next bit may be a little TMI for some. Remember I had started this blog about sex and ovulation and all that fun girly stuff. This cycle was my first charting my temps and trust me when I tell you they are all over the freakin place. I was having a dull ache yesterday and noticed I was becoming aroused by J more easily than normal. Of course the man can just sense it and therefore has to have it...lol. We left later than anticipated for the concert because of him! Then of course he kept pawing me when we were getting ready for bed at 3am! He can be so insatiable sometimes! Anyway as I was temping yesterday and then today I noticed they had dipped just slightly. I thought I might use an ovulation test strip for the hell of it and lo and behold I got a positive! Of course telling J this just makes him try to drag me back to the bedroom. I have held him off for a few hours but bed time does approach...lol. I have lost some weight (about 15lbs) so maybe my bod is righting itself? Will this be the month? (Awful awful timing so it would stand to reason...) I have no answers but I can't help but get a little happy when I see a positive. It's kind of hard to explain. ::shrug::

I guess I'll test tomorrow and then I have the 2ww again. Oh Joy!

It's good to be back

I know I have been quiet for some time now. I was very thrown by the death of Michael Jackson. In all honesty it was a part of my childhood that died. I do not handle death very well and I just needed to process it. I'm not over it but I get by with listening to his music a fair amount of the time in the car and at the gym. It helps. So after a long "moment" of silence for the fallen King of Pop I feel ready to blog again.

I know you all can barely contain your enthusiasm.

I am attending my very first concert tomorrow evening. 25 years old and have never been to a concert. ::shrug:: There really was never any one I wanted to see all that badly. Except Billy Joel and Elton John. =) 6 years ago they toured together and I though it would be awesome to see them. Sadly no one I knew could afford the tickets or even wanted to go. It's a damn shame that J and I didn't start talking sooner because apparently he had the same problem in his circle of friends. We are married now and I find it ironic that this is the year they decided to tour again. I was damned we were going to miss them twice! So tomorrow we will be at Gillette Stadium rocking out to two of my faves! I'm very excited but this concert is also kinda bittersweet for me. I know it's kind of a silly reason but I can't really help how I feel. Last December J and I had decided that we would TTC. Both of us knew it was going to be difficult considering all my health problems so we figured we would start now. He knows how much I want to be a mother and despite whether or not the timing is right he just wants to make me happy. (Any one wonder why I love him?) Deep down I figured that if I paid closer attention to my body and when I was ovulating (also taking the Clomid) that it really wouldn't take too many tries. I never really considered myself naive until this point. So when we bought tickets I had dreams of being pregnant by the time the concert rolled around. I figured I would only have been a month or two along...but pregnant nonetheless.

Clearly I am not pregnant. I haven't ovulated so becoming pregnant is kinda impossible. So you can see (no matter how ridiculous it may be) why this concert is somewhat bittersweet for me. Of course I will still have a great time. I just feel bummed I guess.

On the subject of pregnancy or lack there of...I am getting annoyed. I bought a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and it is certainly an interesting read. I am doing all the things I should be doing. Hell I have even dropped 15lbs! So tell me why I am not ovulating? We had a consultation at RSC and honestly I was less than impressed. I did not like the doctor we met with at all, she lacked compassion. I respect the straight forwardness of her approach but I still didn't like her. Just because one doctor ruled out Cushing's does not automatically mean that I have PCOS. We have NEVER had a definitive test to diagnose this. I am well aware that it is difficult to diagnose however telling me that it is kind of a default diagnosis does NOT MAKE ME HAPPY! I found that to be rude and rather unprofessional though I often overreact so maybe this is another one of those instances? Truth is I have not had a good gynecologist in a long time. My last one I liked until I realized that he didn't care and was too busy for his patients. Not to mention his staff was rude and uncooperative. So what I want to do is find a fantastic gynecologist and somewhat "start over". I'm not convinced I have PCOS and I am not convinced that we need to be seeking help for infertility yet. I can't explain it, it's just a gut feeling. I keep having to deal with sucky doctors who don't care and don't listen.

If we ARE in fact in the "infertility boat" we still don't need a specialist. I decided long ago that I would go through whatever blood tests I needed to to check out all my girly bits and ensure they are in working order and J would have his semen checked too. Out of all the steps and procedures that are possible to have a successful pregnancy I always said I would only take drugs to try and aid in ovulation. No surgery, No IUI, NO IVF...none of that stuff. It just shouldn't be that hard and if it IS going to be that hard then it is just not meant to be. J thinks I will change my mind...but I know myself and know what I can and can't handle. I want children. I want to be a mother but if it isn't in the cards then...it isn't in the cards. Science is great for many things but I just feel that some things should be left up to nature. So I guess what I need to do now is find a reputable, caring gynecologist in my area that takes my insurance. Not really an easy task but...

Anyway. This post got to be a lot longer than I anticipated and also went in a direction I wasn't sure I wanted to go in. I guess I just needed to vent. It's time to go feed my cats, feed myself and J, go see a movie and then to bed to gear up for the show tomorrow. It's going to be LEGENDARY! :)

The King of Pop is gone...

R.I.P

Michael Jackson

August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Today we lost a legend...

I have no words. :*(

Quote of the Day

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. Groceries - a meal. Smile - her heart. So, if you give her crap, expect a ton of shit.

Got the results of the second MRI. CLEAN! Hooray, now we are no closer to having an answer than we were before. *grumble grumble grumble*

Of course my pcp has not scheduled a follow-up so I am not really sure where we stand with all this. Do we look for something else? What now? Argh.

Saw the therapist again this week, LL, I'll just use her initials as it's easier. She thinks my dosage needs to be upped (I agree) as well as I may need to be put on something else. We talked for a bit. She said that she knows it sucks but that I need to be patient while she and LS (the prescriber) figure out the right combination of meds as well as the correct dosage.

I can try to be patient. Honestly, it's not an anti-depressant that I need, I need something to calm me down. How to explain? Basically I want a bomb to be able to go off next to me and for me to just kinda look at it, shrug, and say "that's nice". I overreact to everything and it's stressful. I also have no control over it and that sucks. So, we are working on it. It's the best I can ask for right now.

Nothing positive on the job front right now. Can't take it personally though, the economy sucks. It's somewhat comforting to know there are tons of people out there struggling like me. Comforting in the sense that I won't take it personally. Still blows though...

Ya know, I don't think anyone reads this anymore. I don't get any comments. :( Oh well. Maybe I'm just not that interesting. ;)

For fun:

if you read this blog please fill out the following. :)

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?

update

No results from the 2nd MRI yet. Is no news still good news? I did see the diabetic nurse yesterday and since I am pre-diabetic (yadda yadda yadda) I have to watch what I eat (more than I do...*grumble grumble*) and when.

Whatever.

I got my prescription for Adderall today so here's hoping it has the same effect on me as it does most of the population that takes it. Significant weight loss! (Yes I actually have other reasons to be taking it...but this was my main one) The psycho-doc thinks I may have 2 things going on here, one that the Adderall will help and then something else that we haven't medicated yet. :) I see her again in a month so...we'll figure that out some more then I guess.

We had a yard sale on Sunday and both J and I got majorly sun-burned. I got it mainly on my right shoulder (was in a tube top so how I am not burned evenly on both shoulders I will never figure out) and aloe is not helping me much... I have had to wear one of J's hawaiian shirts since it is the only thing that doesn't hurt. Bras are out as well as anything tight on the spot. Sucks because I really can't not wear a bra. :) 

Tomorrow I'm heading down to my mom's house. She's been gone for a week on vacation with her bf. I miss her when she's away. She has Weds off from work so spending time with her is nice.

I think that's really all I have to say for now. Not much is happening around here.

Ciao all. 

Hey, leave some love if you've been reading. I'm curious to see if I still have an audience.

I should just live there!

Had the 2nd MRI last night. Sometimes I wonder how incompetent people truly are. They were all confused since I had been in last week for one. The nurse asks me if I am aware that my pcp ordered the same test as last week. Do I look like a MD? Do I have any idea what is going on and am I supposed to? Probably yes to that last one but I didn't. I told her to just do as she was told to do and let them figure it out. After all, I was already there.

Today I saw the therapist. She doesn't think I need someone to talk to, she thinks I need medication. I couldn't agree more. So we scheduled an appointment with the prescriber for next Tuesday as well as another appointment with her a week later just to see how I am getting on.

So, now I just have to wait another week until I can start the medication(s) that will hopefully make me feel normal again.

::sigh::

OMG!

He got in! In a few short years I will be Mrs. J Carnes Esquire!

Ok, I don't know if it actually works that way but I will be married to a Lawyer!

Congrats baby, you deserve it! I am so very proud of you!

Medical update

Got the results of the MRI and CT scan. I didn't realize these tests were being done solely to look for Cushings. I thought we had already ruled it out. Guess I was wrong. Well the CT was clean but they saw something on the MRI. Something they said could possibly be a microadenoma by the pituitary. For those of you who don't speak doctor, that's small tumor, benign. The recommendation was for me to have another MRI to get a closer look. So, guess where I get to spend my Sunday evening? Yup! Stuffed in a tube once more. *grumble grumble*

There may not actually be anything serious but I kinda hope they find something, anything to just get some answers! I looked up pituitary adenomas and lo and behold there are several types. One causes cushings and some of the others cause some of the symptoms that I have been having. Coincidence?  I don't know but damned if I'm not going to find out.

I also scheduled an appointment with a therapist for Monday. Here's hoping for drugs!

Long time no bloggy

I know I haven't written in what feels like forever. It's been a bit chaotic around here. J and I went away for a mini-break to celebrate our first wedding anniversary (will post pics when ever I find the camera/computer cable, or better yet, the camera...). It was absolutely beautiful out in Williamstown, MA. Our suite was gorgeous too. ::sigh::

We have been semi moved in with the in-laws for a few days now and it's not terrible but certainly not great. It's crowded. It felt better while J was still on vacation but today is his first day back at work and I miss him. Currently I am alone but my FIL will be home shortly, then my BIL and finally at around 7 my MIL and J (they carpooled). I wish everyone came home around 7, except J of course. I know it is only temporary but still...there are tears.

I wish we would hurry up and hear from Suffolk regarding J's application, our lives are kind of hanging in the balance until we have a direction. Let's see...what else is new? 

We had our visit with the RE and though I'm not her biggest fan I think she can help. J needs to schedule a semen analysis soon and I have to schedule 2 tests but I can't call until the first day of my period so I have about a month provided I actually get one next cycle.

I also called and made an appointment with a therapist. I need one, especially after having moved in here. :) I am going in on Monday. I'll let you know how that goes. 

Well I should get on with the un-packing. This is easier as most things go into storage. I'll post pics soon once I find that cable and camera...

Giggle of the day

Dunno about you but I sure needed one this Saturday. First of all I should never be awake at 8:30Am on a Saturday. Second, the realtor said he'd be over at 12 and 1 with people to see the apartment. It's 1:26pm and he hasn't shown up yet. Fucker. Anyway, to the giggle!

I loathe paperwork...

I just finished a crap load of paperwork for our appointment at RSC next week. I need to fax the stuff over tomorrow at some point. Seriously, the questionnaire was like 10 pages long! With only 1 page for the husband..of course. WTF us women have such hell to go through before we even get to the stirrups! Argh!

Oh well. Now to go through all my test results and send the ones that should be seen.

I had a nice relaxing night last night. If this is PMS it is new to me, I'm actually not wanting J on the moon. I usually don't want anything to do with him when I am PMSing but I'm not moody at all and I'm due the 16th.

Last night we watched House, then Castle, then an episode of Angel. (I'm in love with David Boreanaz lately) After that we went to bed, snuggled, "snuggled" and then fell asleep. For me this was awesome as I don't sleep without pills and I have been trying to not take any meds just in case.

I had a crazy migraine last night too, well into today. I couldn't move or I was nauseous. I lasted until about 3pm before I took some aspirin.

I had my nurse Shadow on the couch with me. I had to remove the back couch cushions so there was room for him to lay in front of me and purr. ::shakes head:: He is too funny. That cat loves me about as much as I love him. :) I hope someday Darwin gets that lovey. 

RSC

We now have an appointment with a RE for Thursday the 21st at 10:30AM. A 2 HOUR appointment. Know what we were doing last year at that time? Waiting to meet with our photographer for our Honeymoon shoot at the Magic Kingdom. My what changes a year can bring!

So yes that is the latest. MRI this thursday, CT on the 19th, and RE on the 21st. I got a fun-filled week and half ahead of me. :(

WTF

Ok so apparently I don't have Cushings and they think my symptoms lean more towards PCOS. WTF people, we already ruled that one out and even IF that is what I ACTUALLY have I can't fucking take the medication for it!!! I have been on Metformin, twice and you know what??? It makes me sick, extremely sick, so sick to the point that I can't even get up to the recommended dosage. WTF!? I think they are wrong....

Of course I am FINALLY being recommended to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I'll call her office first thing Monday morning. I am sooooo irritated right now. J is telling me to relax since he figures stressing out right now won't help me get and/or stay pregnant. ::Sigh:: Trying to stay positive on that front as well.  

It's so hard...why does it all have to be so hard?