It's good to be back

I know I have been quiet for some time now. I was very thrown by the death of Michael Jackson. In all honesty it was a part of my childhood that died. I do not handle death very well and I just needed to process it. I'm not over it but I get by with listening to his music a fair amount of the time in the car and at the gym. It helps. So after a long "moment" of silence for the fallen King of Pop I feel ready to blog again.

I know you all can barely contain your enthusiasm.

I am attending my very first concert tomorrow evening. 25 years old and have never been to a concert. ::shrug:: There really was never any one I wanted to see all that badly. Except Billy Joel and Elton John. =) 6 years ago they toured together and I though it would be awesome to see them. Sadly no one I knew could afford the tickets or even wanted to go. It's a damn shame that J and I didn't start talking sooner because apparently he had the same problem in his circle of friends. We are married now and I find it ironic that this is the year they decided to tour again. I was damned we were going to miss them twice! So tomorrow we will be at Gillette Stadium rocking out to two of my faves! I'm very excited but this concert is also kinda bittersweet for me. I know it's kind of a silly reason but I can't really help how I feel. Last December J and I had decided that we would TTC. Both of us knew it was going to be difficult considering all my health problems so we figured we would start now. He knows how much I want to be a mother and despite whether or not the timing is right he just wants to make me happy. (Any one wonder why I love him?) Deep down I figured that if I paid closer attention to my body and when I was ovulating (also taking the Clomid) that it really wouldn't take too many tries. I never really considered myself naive until this point. So when we bought tickets I had dreams of being pregnant by the time the concert rolled around. I figured I would only have been a month or two along...but pregnant nonetheless.

Clearly I am not pregnant. I haven't ovulated so becoming pregnant is kinda impossible. So you can see (no matter how ridiculous it may be) why this concert is somewhat bittersweet for me. Of course I will still have a great time. I just feel bummed I guess.

On the subject of pregnancy or lack there of...I am getting annoyed. I bought a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and it is certainly an interesting read. I am doing all the things I should be doing. Hell I have even dropped 15lbs! So tell me why I am not ovulating? We had a consultation at RSC and honestly I was less than impressed. I did not like the doctor we met with at all, she lacked compassion. I respect the straight forwardness of her approach but I still didn't like her. Just because one doctor ruled out Cushing's does not automatically mean that I have PCOS. We have NEVER had a definitive test to diagnose this. I am well aware that it is difficult to diagnose however telling me that it is kind of a default diagnosis does NOT MAKE ME HAPPY! I found that to be rude and rather unprofessional though I often overreact so maybe this is another one of those instances? Truth is I have not had a good gynecologist in a long time. My last one I liked until I realized that he didn't care and was too busy for his patients. Not to mention his staff was rude and uncooperative. So what I want to do is find a fantastic gynecologist and somewhat "start over". I'm not convinced I have PCOS and I am not convinced that we need to be seeking help for infertility yet. I can't explain it, it's just a gut feeling. I keep having to deal with sucky doctors who don't care and don't listen.

If we ARE in fact in the "infertility boat" we still don't need a specialist. I decided long ago that I would go through whatever blood tests I needed to to check out all my girly bits and ensure they are in working order and J would have his semen checked too. Out of all the steps and procedures that are possible to have a successful pregnancy I always said I would only take drugs to try and aid in ovulation. No surgery, No IUI, NO IVF...none of that stuff. It just shouldn't be that hard and if it IS going to be that hard then it is just not meant to be. J thinks I will change my mind...but I know myself and know what I can and can't handle. I want children. I want to be a mother but if it isn't in the cards then...it isn't in the cards. Science is great for many things but I just feel that some things should be left up to nature. So I guess what I need to do now is find a reputable, caring gynecologist in my area that takes my insurance. Not really an easy task but...

Anyway. This post got to be a lot longer than I anticipated and also went in a direction I wasn't sure I wanted to go in. I guess I just needed to vent. It's time to go feed my cats, feed myself and J, go see a movie and then to bed to gear up for the show tomorrow. It's going to be LEGENDARY! :)