Results?

I have a doctor's appointment today with my Pcp. Since I have yet to receive the results of the 24 hour urine test for Cushing's so I am hoping to get those today. I am also hoping for a positive. Why? For an answer. I'm terrified that it'll be negative and we will be no closer to an answer or help for me than we were before. I'm miserable enough. Sad thing is that I have to go alone. J will still be in work. :( 

Well it's a few hours before I have to be there so I think I should find something to do. I wish I liked shopping...lol. Oh well a shower and an iced coffee then!

Update later.

I think I just experienced my first anxiety attack...

I'm not sure and I'm barely able to type right now. I know what set it off...Shadow. I'm so terrified of losing him and I know he is not doing well. He's old and wearing out. I can't handle it and since I can't sleep I am fixated on it. This happens whenever I converse with the vet but never as bad as tonight. Of course it is most likely due to my increasing depression. I already told J that when I visit the pcp this tuesday I am having him recommend someone. He is ok with it, as he said he "just wants his wife back." 

Fair enough.

Luckily I had some valium left over from the dentist. I took 2 and now the bottle is empty(it only had 6 in it and it was from last August). I wish I had more. I may need whichever psychological doctor has the prescription pad...

Waiting for the pills to kick in. Don't want to be alone. I'm not really, Shadow is under the dining room table watching me, he has a good view of the couch from there. Darwin is on patrol and J is snoring in the bedroom. I don't want to write about the attack I kind of want to forget about it. I need to...because I am scaring myself.

Have you ever

known something was really wrong but couldn't quite put your finger on it? Not only that but have no idea how to remedy it. Yes? Well welcome to my world. Please, sit down and enjoy your stay. Is it cold? You look cold. I guess I am used to it. Sorry.

Yeah

Something is not right. I don't just mean about the ovulation/weight/potential Cushing's issue. I mean, well, I don't know what I mean. This is going to sound awful, repetitive, and somewhat indulgent but am I still screwed up from high school? Somewhere something switched... now to be honest I hated being the clingy, doting, girlfriend. Always affectionate, ever-forgiving, glutton for punishment. Now, not so much. Why do I have such a hard time loving my husband? That came out wrong. Why do I have such a hard time expressing how I feel to him? Is it from before? Or is it actually due to my unexplained issues that the medical professionals and I are trying to figure out?

I go through phases. Sometimes I'm very affectionate but mostly I'm kind of cold and turned off. I'm also one of those "if I don't really feel it I'm not going to fake it and try" types. (Funny coming from someone who was an actor)

Don't take this the wrong way. I love my husband and honestly don't know where I'd be without him. I just wish I was better at expressing it. My mom says I'm like my father but I disagree. I wasn't always this way. I used to be very affectionate, ask my ex's (actually don't...)and I even used to like sex. (This I know is due to whatever made me get fat and ruined my reproductive self...)

It's not him.

So why does he have to suffer? I hate that he does and he's so patient about it but honestly, it's got to take a toll on him too, he IS only human. 

I just wish I had answers...

I could go on and on about this forever but to what end? I won't be any closer to an answer than I was before. 

I do think I need a therapist. I wonder if our insurance covers it...

How does one go about this? A referral? I guess I'll just out and ask the Dr. on the 28th.

I need help...

I want help...

I just miss me. 

I'm in here somewhere...

Not the happiest of entries...

Well in case you were wondering, I did get my period. I'm ok with it really, 2 months in a row! W00t! ;) I did not ovulate but that's ok too. I finished the urine test for Cushing's and am awaiting the results. To be honest, I hope it is Cushing's. I'd at least have an answer, it would explain EVERYTHING and it is treatable. I also have another appointment with my pcp next week. I'm upset about my weight but am starting to accept that it's not entirely my fault, I'm sick. I just wish I could wear a sign and people who don't know would know that I'm not just "letting myself go". I also wish we had an answer as to what is really wrong. Oh well, it's just vanity. Although in my (our) current situation it's hard not to focus on everything else that makes me unhappy. Metaphorically speaking I am having a hell of a time keeping my head above water.

I had issues with depression in the past and I think it is time to bring it up again with my pcp. I never got the right combination of medication and wasn't on anything long enough to know if it actually was doing any good. So, there's that...

I wish I could find something I loved to do. I have no passions...other than wanting to be a mom. I know I'll be good at it and I can't wait..but it's hardly a money-making career. (Should be though) J has given me a long list of things I could do and would be good at, photographer, baker...he thinks I need to own my own business. I'm just terrified...

What do you think?

Punctuation

I'm due for my period tmw and I think I might actually get it. ::shrugs:: Who knew?! Second one of the year. My boobs hurt, I'm kind of crampy, my mood swings are crazy, and I'm tiiiiired. I took a nap today at 5:30pm cuz I couldn't keep my eyes open!
Well it's either my period or this round took...I'm leaning toward period but as always, will keep you posted. ;)

Hung out with my mom today. Told her I'd be spending A LOT of time at her place.

J is out grabbing some chinese food then it's Bones and American Idol results tonight. :) Not a shabby line-up.

Cushings

I got the results of the Cushing's saliva test. Apparently when collected at 11:00PM the goal is to have a number of less than 100. I achieved this on my first tube, on the second I got 162.

...

So now I have to do a 24 hour urine test. ::sigh:: I'm not even going to explain the details of this one, it's kinda gross. I'm thankful I am in my own apartment for this one... of course we'll only be here until the end of May. I'd rather take a bullet than move back in with my in laws...but I have no choice.
I swear...I'm going to become an alcoholic...

Another one bites the dust

And the shitty economy claims another victim. Up on the chopping block is our home. J and I simply can not afford to live in the apartment anymore without me having a job so the goal is to be out by the end of the month. Where to? His parents. It's enough to make me suicidal. I loathe living there so much. Of course we'll be there just in time for our 1 year anniversary.

...

I've had my cry...who are we kidding, I'm still crying now. I just don't know what else to do...
I love having my own space, my own kitchen, washer,dryer, bathroom, dining room....

This is death.

Food Porn: Chicken Patty edition

So one day last week I had the food network on...(shh K, ok ok, it's on almost every day)
Anyway
I happened to catch one of my fave chefs, Guy Fieri with his own show, Guy's Big Bite. He was making these chicken patties that interested me cuz they incorporated a bunch of veggies, and he promised they wouldn't be dry. So, as an avid burger lover I thought I'd give them a try. I documented their creation in a series of photos. :) Unfortunately I didn't get a shot of J's face when he took his first bite. All I can say is Bliss, and then he inhaled it!
First the photos and if you like what you see leave a comment and I'll send ya the recipe. They were surprisingly easy to make. ;) Here we go

tick tock tick tock

I wonder if there is an age where you are supposed to hear your biological clock ticking. Not that I haven't been hearing it (hell I have wanted to have J's babies ever since I knew I'd marry him!) but now it is keeping me up at night! I'm supposed to ovulate this weekend...I haven't tested yet, I am planning on it tomorrow when I get up. I'm scared though. I have been feeling quite positive about myself reproductively lately. I got an actual period, blood work's been looking good, the ultrasound was clean... I took the Clomid. I am just really thinking this could be our month. (Timing would be awful so it would stand to reason...) I'm afraid to test because what if deep down I really know it will be negative. I should be getting a mail packet soon with all the info on my referral for the R.E so I am moving in the right direction..I just don't want to go through all this aggravation. Why can't it be easier? I see/ know too many people who wind up pregnant by accident who really shouldn't even be parents. I know I should be that judgmental but lets be honest here, some people should not be allowed to have children. Honestly, there should be some kind of examination you hae to pass in order to keep your reproductive rights and if you fail, sterilization. (Ahh if only I ruled the world, lol)

Oh well....some day.

So yesterday was my 25th birthday. I truly can't believe I am 25. While I am on the subject, let me point out that if you are older than me and I express dislike and disbelief over being 25 kindly shut the fuck up. My world, my opinions on it. I'm not judging you so why should you give a shit that I feel old? I'm amazed at how time flies...and people who act all superior (oh you are so NOT old! or I'm going to be ::insert older age here::) can go take a flying leap. KTHNXBYE

Anyway....
Some goals by 25 were accomplished. I am married. However that was the only accomplished goal. I don't have any children and I'm not pregnant. I also can't strut around confidently in a bikini. Of course neither of those are my fault...still kinda disappointing. Oh well.
J was home from work yesterday, which was nice. We went out to a fish restaurant for lunch since I have been all about the shrimps lately. :) Then later in the evening we all went out to dinner and by al I mean my mum and his family. (Yeah I know, happy fucking birthday I get to see my inlaws) Truthfully they weren't too bad last night, well except my brother in law. He is disgusting for a 15 year old. They treat him like a baby and so he acts like one. He doesn't eat much and so he ordered plain pasta and steak. Ok, fine. Now rather than cutting it he just kinda bent down to the plate and chewed. It was gross. Ugh.

On a happier note I am now the proud owner of a Wii Fit. It's not too bad actually. I haven't really played with it too much yet. I do have the time though...

Anyway, that's all from me for now.