When (my) Words Fail

Happy 17th Birthday Shadow!!

Today my beautiful baby boy turns 17! I can not believe he has been with me for more than half of my life! He was given to me in 1992 and he was about 8-12 weeks old.

Shadow, you are my baby boy, my son and I love you more than you will ever know. Momma's going to try very hard today to not think about the fact that she knows this is the last birthday you will ever see. She's going to try very hard not to cry today. I'm so very thankful that I have had 17 wonderful years with you and though I will have more cats throughout my lifetime (Darwin & Charlee included) no one will ever compare to you. You are special. You are one of a kind! You are #1 in my heart now and forever.

Though today is bittersweet I am still extremely happy that you made it here. I'm so sorry your sister Porkchop is not with us to share it.

Well,

Happy Birthday again Shadow my love!

Here's to 17 fantastic years of love and companionship! I love you...

Long overdue update!

So I know it’s been a long time since I updated this thing. I apologize. Though I’m not even sure anyone even reads this anyway. After Porkels’ death it just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to say, I had plenty, I just couldn’t. Since I had taken a month off for MJ’s death I couldn’t very well ONLY take a month off for a cat that was part of my life for 16 years, that just wouldn’t be fair. Two months didn’t seem enough either. Every time I thought about writing I froze. So many times I wanted to express in detail the events of that day, what happened and how it traumatized me.

I CHOSE to accompany my mom. I CHOSE to be in the room with her. I CHOSE to hug her and kiss her face and tell her I loved her and that everything would be ok soon. I CHOSE to be the

last face she’d see as I stood at her head holding her paw whispering I love you alongside my mother as she left this world, and us. I chose to do all that knowing full well my issues with death. So for the trauma I have no one to blame but myself, as well as the guilt.

And if you believe her euthanasia was as simple as all that and she just “went to sleep” then you have never seen it happen. It’s not easy and they don’t just go to sleep. I will forever see her body fight the sedative they gave her first by twisting and flopping on the table. Legs in the air like a turtle on its back and she just couldn’t get up despite her efforts. I’ll forever hear the

sound of her skull banging against the steel table as she flopped around. I was a mess. My

sunglasses were on and hot tears poured from my eyes for hours beforehand, during, and after. They had to give her a second sedative, the poor thing. I always assumed that once the shot is administered they just fall asleep. WRONG! We were told she’d make a gasping sound or two as the last of her oxygen was expelled from her lungs. Oh she made a gasping sound alright, she made several and each one sounded worse than the first. I could only think of her slowly suffocating. Her eyes didn’t close, they sorta bugged out a bit and the pupils were huge. I tried unsuccessfully to close her eyes. This is apparently why my mother chose to stand to Porkels’

back rather than face her like myself. Smart woman, though I couldn’t bear the thought of Porkels not being able to see us and only hear us as she departed.

I had a rough week after it happened. Luckily my husband is incredibly understanding and let me cry on him every night. That week was interesting for several reasons. Pork

els was PTS on a Monday and by the weekend there was a new kitten in the family and mom was in possession of Porkels’ cremains. She resides in a beautiful cedar box with a gold plated name tag that says : Porkels 10/16/92 – 7/20/09. The box is on top of an old tv stand that houses knick-knacks and photos in mom’s house in front of the last and best photo I had taken of her. It’s so sad to think of her in that tiny box and to know that we will never hear her purr again, see those beautiful green eyes gazing up at us trying to figure out what we’re eating and if she’s being cute enough to get any, or touch her soft fur ever again. We still miss her terribly, especially mom.

I felt it finally appropriate to update as tomorrow is Shadow’s (and would be Porkel’s) 17^th birthday. It’s extremely bittersweet for me as I know in my heart that this will be the last birthday Shadow will ever see. My baby boy is dying right before my eyes and there is nothing I can do to help him. Even if surgery was financially an option he is 17 years old and would never

survive it. My once 16lb bundle of love is skin and bones and a mere 5.2lbs. He weighed 9lbs at his yearly in January and then 7 at his appointment in July. He’s dropped the last bit since July and he weighed in at 5.2 last night when J weighed him. To be perfectly honest I am hoping that one of these days when I go to check on him he has just quietly passed on in his sleep. I do not

want to have to make a PTS appointment for him. I just can’t make that decision. If I thought it was bad losing Porkels how is it going to be when I lose my baby? Porkels I loved but she was really mom’s cat. Now Shadow, well he’s my boy, always has been. Laugh if you will but he has

been with me more than half of my life. This cat is my son and I love him more than anything. I am going to be absolutely gutted when he goes. Truthfully I am suffering now watching my baby deteriorate before my very eyes. I cry a lot these days. Luckily Shadow still allows me to sob into his fur and Darwin has let me on occasion as well. It gets harder and harder to snuggle Shadow as he is so bony and has trouble getting comfortable. He does do his damndest to lay as close to me as possible though and most night I find him curled up on my pillow, his paw

resting on my head or my arm. This is hard and it is only going to get harder. Before the water level in my eyes rises any higher I am going to switch gears. Birthday post tomorrow and just try to keep Shadow in your thoughts.

Now I mentioned a kitten did I not? Some may already be familiar with my little girl but others may not. After Porkels’ passed my girl A thought my mom might like a kitten and so s

he had me ask her. A’s mom runs a daycare and one of the kids’ parent’s friend’s cat had had kittens. (You follow that?!) Mom politely declined but I asked A to find out what sex the kitten was and what type. A was leaving for a cruise but said she’d have her dad check and she’d let me know. Somehow somewhere “what kind of kitten are they and what sex?” turned into “Ashley wants one of the kittens”. Do not ask me how. So later that week I get a call from A’s mom, M. She tells me my kitten is being dropped off at her place that afternoon and what time would I be coming by to get it. Imagine my surprise! I told her that I hadn’t said I wanted a kitten that I was just curious about them. She freaks out ever so slightly because she knows she can not

keep the kitten, they have 2 very large, non-cat friendly dogs. Naturally it is a Friday and she has nowhere to turn. I also discover that this kitten is a female when I prefer males. ::grumble:: I felt awful for M as she is so sweet and sensitive and she felt terrible about the miscommunication even though she had had nothing to do with it. I also started to feel bad for this kitten that no one seemed to want and was starting to get the sneaky suspicion that she had been dumped. So I told M it would not be a problem and I would take the kitten in. I told

her I’d be down later afternoon to pick her up.

When I got there I see a teeny tiny kitten that looks almost identical to Shadow. (Seriously, all the color combinations in the world and the SAME as my beloved Shadow?! Grrr) I scoop her up and she promptly falls asleep on me. No one knows I have this kitten, not my in-laws, whose house J and I are living in, and not even J. I’m just going to go home and show up with a baby kitty. This should be fun. My first stop is actually my mom’s house, who despite not actually wanting the cat fell in love with her anyway. She is perfectly content playing Nana to the cats. Of course when I got home everyone “ohhhhed” & “ahhhhed” over the kitten and no one was angry. She went a few days without a name as we needed to come up with the perfect one. We

finally settled on Charlotte as it means “little &womanly” and she is tiny and the only female in the Carnes’ Cat Trio. We never actually call her Charlotte though, she goes by Charlee and her tag even reads Charlee. Charlee is derived from the male version “Charlie” which means FREE and believe me when I tell you this cat HATES to be confined! She had to have a separate play-pen for a few months until she was large enough to have the run of the house unsupervised and she was none to thrilled with her accommodations. Now she is almost 5 months old and has had her freedom for a few weeks now. Everything is working out wonderfully with her. She is quite a momma’s girl and loves to sleep on my head in my hair. She behaves at the vet and even

rides well in the car. Once a week I take her down to my mom’s house for a girl’s day so now

she doesn’t associate the carry case with the vet’s office. She absolutely ADORES Darwin and the feeling is mutual. Shadow tolerates them both but he’s old so he’s grumpy and it’s to be expected.

(Charlee's first night. So tiny!!)

Let’s see…what else is new….

(Charlee today!)

J is enjoying law school immensely, which makes everyone happy. I’m still struggling with my photography but have since learned it is my lens and NOT me. I would also like to say that I have lost 36.4lbs since starting my lifestyle change in July and have gone from a size 12 in jeans to a size 4. I’m quite close to my goal weight but I’m content here too. I see the diabetic nurse in about 2 weeks and I am excited. I hope she has some good news for me!

Well that’s about it for now. I’ll try to be a bit more regular in my updates from now on. I hope I still have readers!

R.I.P Porkchop

R.I.P

Porkchop

Oct.16, 1992-July 20, 2009

Wait for us on Rainbow Bridge pretty baby...

Sadly we had to put our beautiful baby to sleep today. She could no longer walk or eat and was crying so pitifully. It was the hardest thing I have had to do to date. Mom and I took her in today at 11 and at 11:30 she took her last breath. Mom couldn't look at her face but I did so I was the last thing our pretty baby saw before she left us. She's at peace now.

am truly heartbroken...both Porkles and her brother, my cat Shadow are my first cats. I don't handle death well anyway and this is awful. I can't believe how much it hurts. I can only imagine how much worse it will be when my Shadow leaves me.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... Author unknown...

I

Interesting...

So the concert was last night and it was AMAZING! I'm not going to review it just yet as I am still kinda tired. I promise I will do it soon. In the mean time I have uploaded my photos to Face Book. Feel free to check those bad boys out!

So this next bit may be a little TMI for some. Remember I had started this blog about sex and ovulation and all that fun girly stuff. This cycle was my first charting my temps and trust me when I tell you they are all over the freakin place. I was having a dull ache yesterday and noticed I was becoming aroused by J more easily than normal. Of course the man can just sense it and therefore has to have it...lol. We left later than anticipated for the concert because of him! Then of course he kept pawing me when we were getting ready for bed at 3am! He can be so insatiable sometimes! Anyway as I was temping yesterday and then today I noticed they had dipped just slightly. I thought I might use an ovulation test strip for the hell of it and lo and behold I got a positive! Of course telling J this just makes him try to drag me back to the bedroom. I have held him off for a few hours but bed time does approach...lol. I have lost some weight (about 15lbs) so maybe my bod is righting itself? Will this be the month? (Awful awful timing so it would stand to reason...) I have no answers but I can't help but get a little happy when I see a positive. It's kind of hard to explain. ::shrug::

I guess I'll test tomorrow and then I have the 2ww again. Oh Joy!

It's good to be back

I know I have been quiet for some time now. I was very thrown by the death of Michael Jackson. In all honesty it was a part of my childhood that died. I do not handle death very well and I just needed to process it. I'm not over it but I get by with listening to his music a fair amount of the time in the car and at the gym. It helps. So after a long "moment" of silence for the fallen King of Pop I feel ready to blog again.

I know you all can barely contain your enthusiasm.

I am attending my very first concert tomorrow evening. 25 years old and have never been to a concert. ::shrug:: There really was never any one I wanted to see all that badly. Except Billy Joel and Elton John. =) 6 years ago they toured together and I though it would be awesome to see them. Sadly no one I knew could afford the tickets or even wanted to go. It's a damn shame that J and I didn't start talking sooner because apparently he had the same problem in his circle of friends. We are married now and I find it ironic that this is the year they decided to tour again. I was damned we were going to miss them twice! So tomorrow we will be at Gillette Stadium rocking out to two of my faves! I'm very excited but this concert is also kinda bittersweet for me. I know it's kind of a silly reason but I can't really help how I feel. Last December J and I had decided that we would TTC. Both of us knew it was going to be difficult considering all my health problems so we figured we would start now. He knows how much I want to be a mother and despite whether or not the timing is right he just wants to make me happy. (Any one wonder why I love him?) Deep down I figured that if I paid closer attention to my body and when I was ovulating (also taking the Clomid) that it really wouldn't take too many tries. I never really considered myself naive until this point. So when we bought tickets I had dreams of being pregnant by the time the concert rolled around. I figured I would only have been a month or two along...but pregnant nonetheless.

Clearly I am not pregnant. I haven't ovulated so becoming pregnant is kinda impossible. So you can see (no matter how ridiculous it may be) why this concert is somewhat bittersweet for me. Of course I will still have a great time. I just feel bummed I guess.

On the subject of pregnancy or lack there of...I am getting annoyed. I bought a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and it is certainly an interesting read. I am doing all the things I should be doing. Hell I have even dropped 15lbs! So tell me why I am not ovulating? We had a consultation at RSC and honestly I was less than impressed. I did not like the doctor we met with at all, she lacked compassion. I respect the straight forwardness of her approach but I still didn't like her. Just because one doctor ruled out Cushing's does not automatically mean that I have PCOS. We have NEVER had a definitive test to diagnose this. I am well aware that it is difficult to diagnose however telling me that it is kind of a default diagnosis does NOT MAKE ME HAPPY! I found that to be rude and rather unprofessional though I often overreact so maybe this is another one of those instances? Truth is I have not had a good gynecologist in a long time. My last one I liked until I realized that he didn't care and was too busy for his patients. Not to mention his staff was rude and uncooperative. So what I want to do is find a fantastic gynecologist and somewhat "start over". I'm not convinced I have PCOS and I am not convinced that we need to be seeking help for infertility yet. I can't explain it, it's just a gut feeling. I keep having to deal with sucky doctors who don't care and don't listen.

If we ARE in fact in the "infertility boat" we still don't need a specialist. I decided long ago that I would go through whatever blood tests I needed to to check out all my girly bits and ensure they are in working order and J would have his semen checked too. Out of all the steps and procedures that are possible to have a successful pregnancy I always said I would only take drugs to try and aid in ovulation. No surgery, No IUI, NO IVF...none of that stuff. It just shouldn't be that hard and if it IS going to be that hard then it is just not meant to be. J thinks I will change my mind...but I know myself and know what I can and can't handle. I want children. I want to be a mother but if it isn't in the cards then...it isn't in the cards. Science is great for many things but I just feel that some things should be left up to nature. So I guess what I need to do now is find a reputable, caring gynecologist in my area that takes my insurance. Not really an easy task but...

Anyway. This post got to be a lot longer than I anticipated and also went in a direction I wasn't sure I wanted to go in. I guess I just needed to vent. It's time to go feed my cats, feed myself and J, go see a movie and then to bed to gear up for the show tomorrow. It's going to be LEGENDARY! :)

The King of Pop is gone...

R.I.P

Michael Jackson

August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Today we lost a legend...

I have no words. :*(

Quote of the Day

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. Groceries - a meal. Smile - her heart. So, if you give her crap, expect a ton of shit.

Got the results of the second MRI. CLEAN! Hooray, now we are no closer to having an answer than we were before. *grumble grumble grumble*

Of course my pcp has not scheduled a follow-up so I am not really sure where we stand with all this. Do we look for something else? What now? Argh.

Saw the therapist again this week, LL, I'll just use her initials as it's easier. She thinks my dosage needs to be upped (I agree) as well as I may need to be put on something else. We talked for a bit. She said that she knows it sucks but that I need to be patient while she and LS (the prescriber) figure out the right combination of meds as well as the correct dosage.

I can try to be patient. Honestly, it's not an anti-depressant that I need, I need something to calm me down. How to explain? Basically I want a bomb to be able to go off next to me and for me to just kinda look at it, shrug, and say "that's nice". I overreact to everything and it's stressful. I also have no control over it and that sucks. So, we are working on it. It's the best I can ask for right now.

Nothing positive on the job front right now. Can't take it personally though, the economy sucks. It's somewhat comforting to know there are tons of people out there struggling like me. Comforting in the sense that I won't take it personally. Still blows though...

Ya know, I don't think anyone reads this anymore. I don't get any comments. :( Oh well. Maybe I'm just not that interesting. ;)

For fun:

if you read this blog please fill out the following. :)

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?

update

No results from the 2nd MRI yet. Is no news still good news? I did see the diabetic nurse yesterday and since I am pre-diabetic (yadda yadda yadda) I have to watch what I eat (more than I do...*grumble grumble*) and when.

Whatever.

I got my prescription for Adderall today so here's hoping it has the same effect on me as it does most of the population that takes it. Significant weight loss! (Yes I actually have other reasons to be taking it...but this was my main one) The psycho-doc thinks I may have 2 things going on here, one that the Adderall will help and then something else that we haven't medicated yet. :) I see her again in a month so...we'll figure that out some more then I guess.

We had a yard sale on Sunday and both J and I got majorly sun-burned. I got it mainly on my right shoulder (was in a tube top so how I am not burned evenly on both shoulders I will never figure out) and aloe is not helping me much... I have had to wear one of J's hawaiian shirts since it is the only thing that doesn't hurt. Bras are out as well as anything tight on the spot. Sucks because I really can't not wear a bra. :) 

Tomorrow I'm heading down to my mom's house. She's been gone for a week on vacation with her bf. I miss her when she's away. She has Weds off from work so spending time with her is nice.

I think that's really all I have to say for now. Not much is happening around here.

Ciao all. 

Hey, leave some love if you've been reading. I'm curious to see if I still have an audience.

I should just live there!

Had the 2nd MRI last night. Sometimes I wonder how incompetent people truly are. They were all confused since I had been in last week for one. The nurse asks me if I am aware that my pcp ordered the same test as last week. Do I look like a MD? Do I have any idea what is going on and am I supposed to? Probably yes to that last one but I didn't. I told her to just do as she was told to do and let them figure it out. After all, I was already there.

Today I saw the therapist. She doesn't think I need someone to talk to, she thinks I need medication. I couldn't agree more. So we scheduled an appointment with the prescriber for next Tuesday as well as another appointment with her a week later just to see how I am getting on.

So, now I just have to wait another week until I can start the medication(s) that will hopefully make me feel normal again.

::sigh::

OMG!

He got in! In a few short years I will be Mrs. J Carnes Esquire!

Ok, I don't know if it actually works that way but I will be married to a Lawyer!

Congrats baby, you deserve it! I am so very proud of you!

Medical update

Got the results of the MRI and CT scan. I didn't realize these tests were being done solely to look for Cushings. I thought we had already ruled it out. Guess I was wrong. Well the CT was clean but they saw something on the MRI. Something they said could possibly be a microadenoma by the pituitary. For those of you who don't speak doctor, that's small tumor, benign. The recommendation was for me to have another MRI to get a closer look. So, guess where I get to spend my Sunday evening? Yup! Stuffed in a tube once more. *grumble grumble*

There may not actually be anything serious but I kinda hope they find something, anything to just get some answers! I looked up pituitary adenomas and lo and behold there are several types. One causes cushings and some of the others cause some of the symptoms that I have been having. Coincidence?  I don't know but damned if I'm not going to find out.

I also scheduled an appointment with a therapist for Monday. Here's hoping for drugs!

Long time no bloggy

I know I haven't written in what feels like forever. It's been a bit chaotic around here. J and I went away for a mini-break to celebrate our first wedding anniversary (will post pics when ever I find the camera/computer cable, or better yet, the camera...). It was absolutely beautiful out in Williamstown, MA. Our suite was gorgeous too. ::sigh::

We have been semi moved in with the in-laws for a few days now and it's not terrible but certainly not great. It's crowded. It felt better while J was still on vacation but today is his first day back at work and I miss him. Currently I am alone but my FIL will be home shortly, then my BIL and finally at around 7 my MIL and J (they carpooled). I wish everyone came home around 7, except J of course. I know it is only temporary but still...there are tears.

I wish we would hurry up and hear from Suffolk regarding J's application, our lives are kind of hanging in the balance until we have a direction. Let's see...what else is new? 

We had our visit with the RE and though I'm not her biggest fan I think she can help. J needs to schedule a semen analysis soon and I have to schedule 2 tests but I can't call until the first day of my period so I have about a month provided I actually get one next cycle.

I also called and made an appointment with a therapist. I need one, especially after having moved in here. :) I am going in on Monday. I'll let you know how that goes. 

Well I should get on with the un-packing. This is easier as most things go into storage. I'll post pics soon once I find that cable and camera...

Giggle of the day

Dunno about you but I sure needed one this Saturday. First of all I should never be awake at 8:30Am on a Saturday. Second, the realtor said he'd be over at 12 and 1 with people to see the apartment. It's 1:26pm and he hasn't shown up yet. Fucker. Anyway, to the giggle!

I loathe paperwork...

I just finished a crap load of paperwork for our appointment at RSC next week. I need to fax the stuff over tomorrow at some point. Seriously, the questionnaire was like 10 pages long! With only 1 page for the husband..of course. WTF us women have such hell to go through before we even get to the stirrups! Argh!

Oh well. Now to go through all my test results and send the ones that should be seen.

I had a nice relaxing night last night. If this is PMS it is new to me, I'm actually not wanting J on the moon. I usually don't want anything to do with him when I am PMSing but I'm not moody at all and I'm due the 16th.

Last night we watched House, then Castle, then an episode of Angel. (I'm in love with David Boreanaz lately) After that we went to bed, snuggled, "snuggled" and then fell asleep. For me this was awesome as I don't sleep without pills and I have been trying to not take any meds just in case.

I had a crazy migraine last night too, well into today. I couldn't move or I was nauseous. I lasted until about 3pm before I took some aspirin.

I had my nurse Shadow on the couch with me. I had to remove the back couch cushions so there was room for him to lay in front of me and purr. ::shakes head:: He is too funny. That cat loves me about as much as I love him. :) I hope someday Darwin gets that lovey. 

RSC

We now have an appointment with a RE for Thursday the 21st at 10:30AM. A 2 HOUR appointment. Know what we were doing last year at that time? Waiting to meet with our photographer for our Honeymoon shoot at the Magic Kingdom. My what changes a year can bring!

So yes that is the latest. MRI this thursday, CT on the 19th, and RE on the 21st. I got a fun-filled week and half ahead of me. :(

WTF

Ok so apparently I don't have Cushings and they think my symptoms lean more towards PCOS. WTF people, we already ruled that one out and even IF that is what I ACTUALLY have I can't fucking take the medication for it!!! I have been on Metformin, twice and you know what??? It makes me sick, extremely sick, so sick to the point that I can't even get up to the recommended dosage. WTF!? I think they are wrong....

Of course I am FINALLY being recommended to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I'll call her office first thing Monday morning. I am sooooo irritated right now. J is telling me to relax since he figures stressing out right now won't help me get and/or stay pregnant. ::Sigh:: Trying to stay positive on that front as well.  

It's so hard...why does it all have to be so hard?

PLEASE!

Somebody come pack for me! Er..uh, WITH me I meant...sure, that's it...pack WITH me.

=)

I REALLY need to do something about this gut of mine...

I think it is time to blow the dust off the Pilates dvd's and give them a shot. Too bad they have been packed. I'll have to start once we are all moved in. Luckily that won't be too long of a wait...for exercise anyway, not lucky to be moving into hell house. I want to get a schedule going once there actually. I enjoy having the house to myself but in their house I have to be up earlier to do that. It's ok, I'll just get up earlier, shower, have my coffee/sit on deck in the sun with the pups and then organize some sort of exercise regime. I have to schedule some time to job hunt too.

Ok, that distracted me for all of 2 seconds. I'm 3 dpo and going bananas. I figure nothing will come of this cycle but I actually O'd and that IS something! 

Time to go throw some clothes on. The husband will be home soon and we have to go get some bins at Walmart. Ahh what an exciting life we lead! LOL!

2WW

So this is what they call the 2 Week Wait?! I'm already on edge! This is gonna SUCK! I'm already all nerves...I just want this so bad. I guess I'm so anxious because I have never ovulated before and I'm really hoping it means something. I'm gunning for 2 more pink lines in 2 weeks!!! Send me baby dust people!! Or at the very least occupy me so I don't obsess (too) much.

Stay +

Another + OPK! I also have mild pains where my right ovary is. These are good signs! Wish us luck please!!

OMGOMGOMG

I'll warn you now, this post may be TMI for those who are uninterested.

You have been warned.

Back to my OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! Why? Well for those of you who know I have been testing with OPK's for what seems like forever now and NADA. Not today! I tested and got 2 lines!! The same shade!

It's not the best photo in the world but nonetheless 2 pink lines of equal darkness! I was so stunned I snapped this pic with my phone and sent it to J, who promptly came home on his lunch break. ;)

I'm terribly hopeful that this means something good will happen health-wise.

It's funny...I did have a dream the other night that J and I had a little girl. I hate those dreams because they are always so real. But maybe it was a sign?

I'm going to try not to get ahead of myself. However, a positive OPK is a step in the right  direction and I'll take what I can get! :)

Really??

I'm not sure J should have told me this...

He says if he doesn't get into Law school this time around (Yes we are still waiting for their response) then we can just save for a bit and just look in NYC. Now I feel like an awful wife because I kinda don't want him to get in here...

I'm not that big of a bitch...he doesn't want to graduate from Suffolk anyway, it'd just be a stepping stone. So it's not a huge deal if he bypassed the stone and went for a school he'd rather graduate from, like Pace...

I just want to get away from here...

There's got to be more somewhere.

Which reminds me, I need to call the therapists. ;)

No news is...

NOT good news, it's freakin annoying as all hell! (Had to get that out...)

I have yet to get the results for Cushing's and my Pcp didn't have them either. Greeeat. He said they were too slow so now I am scheduled for a Cat Scan of my abdomen as well as an MRI. Hooray! I also have to see the Diabetic nurse as I am pre-diabetic and we need to wrangle this...

Of course the pre-diabetic is due to the weight gain and the weight gain is due to the "couldpossiblybecushingsbutwedon'tknowbecausetheendocrinologistisslowerthanfuckinmolasses!"

I can't win. I asked my pcp to recommend a therapist of some sort and he asked why I thought I needed one. (Keep in mind this is the doctor of my husband's family, everyone in the family) I said I had issues dealing with all this as well as stress and my life was about to get a whole lot more stressful. He asked me how and I said that in a few weeks I'd be moving back in with my MIL. He smiled and said "Let me get that card for you.."

Hmph

So that is where I am at right now.

Results?

I have a doctor's appointment today with my Pcp. Since I have yet to receive the results of the 24 hour urine test for Cushing's so I am hoping to get those today. I am also hoping for a positive. Why? For an answer. I'm terrified that it'll be negative and we will be no closer to an answer or help for me than we were before. I'm miserable enough. Sad thing is that I have to go alone. J will still be in work. :( 

Well it's a few hours before I have to be there so I think I should find something to do. I wish I liked shopping...lol. Oh well a shower and an iced coffee then!

Update later.

I think I just experienced my first anxiety attack...

I'm not sure and I'm barely able to type right now. I know what set it off...Shadow. I'm so terrified of losing him and I know he is not doing well. He's old and wearing out. I can't handle it and since I can't sleep I am fixated on it. This happens whenever I converse with the vet but never as bad as tonight. Of course it is most likely due to my increasing depression. I already told J that when I visit the pcp this tuesday I am having him recommend someone. He is ok with it, as he said he "just wants his wife back." 

Fair enough.

Luckily I had some valium left over from the dentist. I took 2 and now the bottle is empty(it only had 6 in it and it was from last August). I wish I had more. I may need whichever psychological doctor has the prescription pad...

Waiting for the pills to kick in. Don't want to be alone. I'm not really, Shadow is under the dining room table watching me, he has a good view of the couch from there. Darwin is on patrol and J is snoring in the bedroom. I don't want to write about the attack I kind of want to forget about it. I need to...because I am scaring myself.

Have you ever

known something was really wrong but couldn't quite put your finger on it? Not only that but have no idea how to remedy it. Yes? Well welcome to my world. Please, sit down and enjoy your stay. Is it cold? You look cold. I guess I am used to it. Sorry.

Yeah

Something is not right. I don't just mean about the ovulation/weight/potential Cushing's issue. I mean, well, I don't know what I mean. This is going to sound awful, repetitive, and somewhat indulgent but am I still screwed up from high school? Somewhere something switched... now to be honest I hated being the clingy, doting, girlfriend. Always affectionate, ever-forgiving, glutton for punishment. Now, not so much. Why do I have such a hard time loving my husband? That came out wrong. Why do I have such a hard time expressing how I feel to him? Is it from before? Or is it actually due to my unexplained issues that the medical professionals and I are trying to figure out?

I go through phases. Sometimes I'm very affectionate but mostly I'm kind of cold and turned off. I'm also one of those "if I don't really feel it I'm not going to fake it and try" types. (Funny coming from someone who was an actor)

Don't take this the wrong way. I love my husband and honestly don't know where I'd be without him. I just wish I was better at expressing it. My mom says I'm like my father but I disagree. I wasn't always this way. I used to be very affectionate, ask my ex's (actually don't...)and I even used to like sex. (This I know is due to whatever made me get fat and ruined my reproductive self...)

It's not him.

So why does he have to suffer? I hate that he does and he's so patient about it but honestly, it's got to take a toll on him too, he IS only human. 

I just wish I had answers...

I could go on and on about this forever but to what end? I won't be any closer to an answer than I was before. 

I do think I need a therapist. I wonder if our insurance covers it...

How does one go about this? A referral? I guess I'll just out and ask the Dr. on the 28th.

I need help...

I want help...

I just miss me. 

I'm in here somewhere...

Not the happiest of entries...

Well in case you were wondering, I did get my period. I'm ok with it really, 2 months in a row! W00t! ;) I did not ovulate but that's ok too. I finished the urine test for Cushing's and am awaiting the results. To be honest, I hope it is Cushing's. I'd at least have an answer, it would explain EVERYTHING and it is treatable. I also have another appointment with my pcp next week. I'm upset about my weight but am starting to accept that it's not entirely my fault, I'm sick. I just wish I could wear a sign and people who don't know would know that I'm not just "letting myself go". I also wish we had an answer as to what is really wrong. Oh well, it's just vanity. Although in my (our) current situation it's hard not to focus on everything else that makes me unhappy. Metaphorically speaking I am having a hell of a time keeping my head above water.

I had issues with depression in the past and I think it is time to bring it up again with my pcp. I never got the right combination of medication and wasn't on anything long enough to know if it actually was doing any good. So, there's that...

I wish I could find something I loved to do. I have no passions...other than wanting to be a mom. I know I'll be good at it and I can't wait..but it's hardly a money-making career. (Should be though) J has given me a long list of things I could do and would be good at, photographer, baker...he thinks I need to own my own business. I'm just terrified...

What do you think?

Punctuation

I'm due for my period tmw and I think I might actually get it. ::shrugs:: Who knew?! Second one of the year. My boobs hurt, I'm kind of crampy, my mood swings are crazy, and I'm tiiiiired. I took a nap today at 5:30pm cuz I couldn't keep my eyes open!
Well it's either my period or this round took...I'm leaning toward period but as always, will keep you posted. ;)

Hung out with my mom today. Told her I'd be spending A LOT of time at her place.

J is out grabbing some chinese food then it's Bones and American Idol results tonight. :) Not a shabby line-up.

Cushings

I got the results of the Cushing's saliva test. Apparently when collected at 11:00PM the goal is to have a number of less than 100. I achieved this on my first tube, on the second I got 162.

...

So now I have to do a 24 hour urine test. ::sigh:: I'm not even going to explain the details of this one, it's kinda gross. I'm thankful I am in my own apartment for this one... of course we'll only be here until the end of May. I'd rather take a bullet than move back in with my in laws...but I have no choice.
I swear...I'm going to become an alcoholic...

Another one bites the dust

And the shitty economy claims another victim. Up on the chopping block is our home. J and I simply can not afford to live in the apartment anymore without me having a job so the goal is to be out by the end of the month. Where to? His parents. It's enough to make me suicidal. I loathe living there so much. Of course we'll be there just in time for our 1 year anniversary.

...

I've had my cry...who are we kidding, I'm still crying now. I just don't know what else to do...
I love having my own space, my own kitchen, washer,dryer, bathroom, dining room....

This is death.

Food Porn: Chicken Patty edition

So one day last week I had the food network on...(shh K, ok ok, it's on almost every day)
Anyway
I happened to catch one of my fave chefs, Guy Fieri with his own show, Guy's Big Bite. He was making these chicken patties that interested me cuz they incorporated a bunch of veggies, and he promised they wouldn't be dry. So, as an avid burger lover I thought I'd give them a try. I documented their creation in a series of photos. :) Unfortunately I didn't get a shot of J's face when he took his first bite. All I can say is Bliss, and then he inhaled it!
First the photos and if you like what you see leave a comment and I'll send ya the recipe. They were surprisingly easy to make. ;) Here we go

tick tock tick tock

I wonder if there is an age where you are supposed to hear your biological clock ticking. Not that I haven't been hearing it (hell I have wanted to have J's babies ever since I knew I'd marry him!) but now it is keeping me up at night! I'm supposed to ovulate this weekend...I haven't tested yet, I am planning on it tomorrow when I get up. I'm scared though. I have been feeling quite positive about myself reproductively lately. I got an actual period, blood work's been looking good, the ultrasound was clean... I took the Clomid. I am just really thinking this could be our month. (Timing would be awful so it would stand to reason...) I'm afraid to test because what if deep down I really know it will be negative. I should be getting a mail packet soon with all the info on my referral for the R.E so I am moving in the right direction..I just don't want to go through all this aggravation. Why can't it be easier? I see/ know too many people who wind up pregnant by accident who really shouldn't even be parents. I know I should be that judgmental but lets be honest here, some people should not be allowed to have children. Honestly, there should be some kind of examination you hae to pass in order to keep your reproductive rights and if you fail, sterilization. (Ahh if only I ruled the world, lol)

Oh well....some day.

So yesterday was my 25th birthday. I truly can't believe I am 25. While I am on the subject, let me point out that if you are older than me and I express dislike and disbelief over being 25 kindly shut the fuck up. My world, my opinions on it. I'm not judging you so why should you give a shit that I feel old? I'm amazed at how time flies...and people who act all superior (oh you are so NOT old! or I'm going to be ::insert older age here::) can go take a flying leap. KTHNXBYE

Anyway....
Some goals by 25 were accomplished. I am married. However that was the only accomplished goal. I don't have any children and I'm not pregnant. I also can't strut around confidently in a bikini. Of course neither of those are my fault...still kinda disappointing. Oh well.
J was home from work yesterday, which was nice. We went out to a fish restaurant for lunch since I have been all about the shrimps lately. :) Then later in the evening we all went out to dinner and by al I mean my mum and his family. (Yeah I know, happy fucking birthday I get to see my inlaws) Truthfully they weren't too bad last night, well except my brother in law. He is disgusting for a 15 year old. They treat him like a baby and so he acts like one. He doesn't eat much and so he ordered plain pasta and steak. Ok, fine. Now rather than cutting it he just kinda bent down to the plate and chewed. It was gross. Ugh.

On a happier note I am now the proud owner of a Wii Fit. It's not too bad actually. I haven't really played with it too much yet. I do have the time though...

Anyway, that's all from me for now.

25

Happy Birthday to me!

The phone interview went well today. I have a face to face interview scheduled for Monday at 2pm. It might be an interesting atmosphere though the pay is not fabulous but right now...I need something to get us by. So, wish me luck.

Met with an Endo today, a new one. Since my MIL got me in with my new PCP he has appointments lined up through April. This guy was young and extremely nice. I liked him a lot, which is good since I rarely like anyone. :) He took about 5 tubes of blood to rule out some thigs. I also have a take home saliva test. The big thing we want to rule out is Cushing's Syndrome. He said if everything comes back and it looks good he will refer me to a Reproductive Endo to deal with the other issues. He also prescribed me an intense Vitamin D supplement as I am apparently kinda deficient.
That's all for updates for now. I got some dishes to wash and dinner to start soon. Such is the life of a housewife...

Yes I would like fries with my shake!

For the past two nights in a row my husband has opted for sleep over sex. What the hell?! Sorry, now you know why my blog has an adult content warning. I'm more than a little annoyed. I may have to just jump him when he comes home but it's just not my style...
::sigh::
Today was semi-productive. I went on a nice long walk today (will be paying for it tmw), hell I even broke a sweat! I also got beeped at...hehe my booty has still got it apparently, of course it does seem to always attract the same type...oh well, still an ego boost.
I got an email from a job I emailed my resume to yesterday. They want to do a phone interview tomorrow at 2:30. Too bad I have a doctor appointment at 1:00. I hope I am done by the time they call. It's little things like this that stress me out hardcore. :( I know it's not really a big deal, but I totally wig out.
Let's see...Darwin is cute as a button but he is also a devil-cat. OMG if he doesn't knock off whatever the hell he does at the ass crack of dawn I may be selling him on Ebay! The of course you pick him up to scold him and the paws come up, the eyes go to slits and he turns on his motor. The little shit knows he irresistible. Shadow has taken to sleeping on my second pillow above my head and Darwin sleeps between my knees and J has the whole other side of the bed to move freely. Jerk. I may be married but I am still a cat lady. Last night he looked at them and said we didn't have enough, we needed more cats. This from a self-proclaimed DOG person. LOL, he has actually adjusted, he's an animal person. Reason #7649 why I married him.
Ugh, did I just leak a little sap?

So in all seriousness I have been thinking about writing a book for some time now. As I was in the shower today (hey, it's where I do my best brainstorming) I started to piece it together a bit more and then I got to the question of fleshing out my main character, she would obviously need a back story, I mean what she does day to day. In short, her job. I feared I would be unable to believably write about her job and thus the whole thing would fall apart. I must be crazy...
Am I crazy? I'm thinking your silence breeds consent. Gee thanks guys!
OK! Enough rambling, I gotta throw dinner in the over. Marinated pork in the worlds greatest pork marinade. YUM!

interesting...

So I learned something yesterday. Let me first back up a bit...whenever I have a confrontation I usually wind up in tears. Actually when anything major happens I usually wind up in tears. It usually has very little to do with how I actually feel, I just have 0 control over it.
So last friday when JW and JR took me into JW's office to "dismiss" me, you can imagine my reaction.
So what did I learn? Well while speaking with JR yesterday I learned that he didn't know that I didn't know it was coming. Like I had said in my last post, had I just known that once they found a replacement all would have been fine. He thought I knew that already, he thought JW had said it, which he clearly had not. So apparently when I started to cry, JR got teary-eyed as well. Not that I noticed, but he said so. Which I thought was kind of sweet...sorta.
I also learned what my initial impression to him was before I even opened my mouth. He said "young bride who is going to want to have kids soon". I asked how he knew and apparently I glow. LOL. I will take that as a compliment but I have never been told I glow before. LOL

So that is what I learned. I also learned that I am extremely overwhelmed by this process with AAr (didn't want to call her AA cuz then I'd sound like an alcoholic..lol) I don't know if we should just aim for NYC. I can't see narrowing down my resume so far towards theaters ad trying for something here. What is here? Nothing really....
J says we should just move into his parent's house and then if I have to go to NYC then we'll at least have some money to do it. It's terrifying but kind of exciting and I think it's just what we (I) need. If only he had his answer regarding law school.....

What do you guys think??

ugh

So things are not looking so great or us here. On Friday I lost my job. Well, re-organized was how it was put. In all honesty it's not as bad as I think, I did hate the job and we all knew it was never going to last. What sucks is how they went about it and seeing as how they are men tact is not even in their vocabulary. A little warning would have been nice, something along the lines of "when we find a replacement we're going to move you somewhere else" then it wouldn't have been such a shock and the wouldn't have had to be all dramatic and drag me into the office. Because it wasn't as if it was malicious or even like I sucked at my job and so I was being canned. Not the case at all so I am told. Despite not liking it I was actually quite good at it. So all I am saying is tact people...I knew I wasn't going to stay, you knew I wasn't going to stay, I knew you were hiring, you didn't have to "dismiss" me. Kind of lame. On the bright side I am receiving what normally goes for several thousand dollars of their services for free because they just like me so much. :) I will also be handling small per diem projects on the side for them, being paid at my regular rate. So I wasn't canned, and I wasn't laid off, I'm not sure what I was. Replaced I guess. Eh...let's see how long this new one lasts, lol. If you knew the turn over rate for that position....I think the finance guy told me it was up to 41. (well when you require so much for soo little..what do you expect? And despite not giving a shit I worked damn hard, my girl P can testify to that one!) Speaking of P, that's what sucks the most I think. I don't make decent friends often and I thought she and I were doing quite well in that department. I'm sad that I won't be seeing her every day now. Hopefully when we say we'll keep in touch we actually will. :)
The other thing that sucks ass is we may lose our apartment. We are going to try to hold out until J hears back about law school and then decide what to do. I know the most economical and logical thing to do is to move back in with his parents but dammit, I do NOT want to.
So that's what's going on right now. I'm kinda feeling shitty and low so any words of comfort you may have would be much appreciated. If you want to tell me in actuality I DO suck, please hold of until further notice.
Thanks

I had an eventful day today, first a three hour interview (oh yes..I plan on leaving my current position, or at least severely cutting down the hours) and then off to Lahey clinic for appointment numero uno in a long ine of upcoming appointments. Yes my new pcp is running the gamut on tests for me, he's determined to figure out whats wrong BEFORE we tackle the lack of pregnancy for me. Last week we talked and he tok about 15 tubes of blood (fun) and today was an ultra sound. Now I'm special, I got a regular ultrasound as well as a trans vaginal ultrasound, the 3rd I've ever had (the 2nd in the last 6 months...) Now if you've never had one of these you don't know what you are missing!
(Did you catch my sarcasm??) This little bad boy I nicknamed Pretty Fly as in, for a white guy (I mean look at this thing!?) It's not horrible but it certainly isn't comfortable. :(
Hehe, now you all know why my blog has a warning. LOL

So I wish I had more to say. I could type and bitch about my job but ya know, it's not worth it right now.
I've currently got a corned beef boiling away on the stove and it smells divine!! I'm getting hungry! It should be done in about 30 minutes. YUM YUM YUM!

In other news, my 25th birthday is coming up (the 31st) Apparently my husband is planning something...::shrugs:: but I dunno! I've never had a party or a get together...could be exciting!

Well I should go check on my dinner. I'll TRY to be better about this thing!

wtf...

On my way home I passed by McDonalds where they have a sign up that says they are hiring Assistant Managers starting at $30,ooo a year. That is MORE than what I make a year by a few thousand dollars. That is sick.

Oh and as hard as I work I was old yesterday that I am only doing 70% of my job because as I am not perfect at that yet I can't handle the last 30%. WTF?! Good, keep it. You pay me shit now...why should I work harder and stress further?

FUCK

Snow day!!

I didn't think I got them anymore. Well technically I don't but when you get a crap load of snow and no one plows your street and you have a brand new car with a driver that is not so skilled in snow driving...you get a snow day! Basically what it comes down to is I did not feel safe driving my car is this junk, that and the fact that I could not get out of the driveway. :)
Of course my darling husband shoveled the driveway out and when the plow deigned to come by (about 10 mins ago) he plowdthe snow over the driveway and up against the fence trapping the Doom Buggy. ::sigh:: Even if I wanted to get out now I couldn't. Oh well. I hope they don't get too irritated with me...

Apparently despite hating having to get up for work it does agree with me. Today after I established that I wasn't going anywhere I went back to bed, only for an hour. Now I am watching tv and BORED. I truly shouldn't be watching the show I am watching. It is set in NYC and I'm feeling so sick for it. ::sigh::

I had to fill out a profile at work. It's not for work, it's because my boss knows this isn't for me and I am incredibly unhappy. So, since they are a career placement firm what better place is there for me to be? Yup, so I had to fill out an incredibly difficult questionnaire about myself and past experiences and realized that both are pretty slim. (At least I am slim somewhere hehe ok that really wasn't all that funny...) Anyway there is a geographical preference and guess what mine was: NYC! Of course. So here's hoping...

Well since I am home I guess I should go do something useful.

Whoever

invented white chocolate coconut coffee creamer is a GOD or GODDESS!! It's so good I don't think I even cared that it wasn't low fat. ::shrugs:: Well it is Saturday (for those who had yet to notice) and this Saturday my husband does NOT have his head in the toilet and I don't have a migraine (yet). It's a good day. Shadow has already supplied me with his urine sample for this week (good kitty) and Darwin is actually calm for the moment. J is in the office doing who knows what on the computer and I'm here enjoying my coffee. I'm trying to not stress and I think so far I'm doing ok. I have to make another doctor's appointment. My mother in law switched my PCP for me and now it's time to start it up. I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable since I didn't get my period this month either and I don't feel it coming. I thought maybe....but no. So that keeps my no blood for 09 streak going. Hot dog.

It's the last day of February today which means tomorrow starts the birthday countdown. 1 Month until the big 25. I told J I wanted to do something that we've never done for my b-day which would be see people but I think I may just be fooling myself. We have so few friends and I do mean few...to the point where no one remembes my birthday unless I remind them, and now with the advent of facebook and myspace and those lovely reminders. Yay. Even still, it's on a weekday this year and I truly hate celebrating things on a day that they aren't so...
I may have just successfully convinced myself that celebrating my birthday is a bad idea. :) Go me. I wonder if that is a marketable skill. Speaking of which I need to figure out what my marketable skills are...

Enough rambling from me I am sure I am boring you to death. I should finish up this coffee and go take a shower.
Until next time blogger...

OMG

Before I begin I would like you to pick your jaw up off the floor. I am well aware this is the 2nd post in 24 hours. :)

I would first like to thank someone profusely for rescuing me today. She is a new reader as well as my co-worker. Without her I would have been stuck at work all day while feeling as crummy as I do. I think the lamb burgers that we had last night just did not agree with me...last night OR today. J was sick this morning too. :( So! Thank you lady, you know who you are!!

I wanted to add in some photos for you all. some of Darwin as well as the Doom Buggy. Yes my car's name is the Doom Buggy. Why? Well because this hangs in the back window:

Here's a pic of the car from the website, I'll be taking pics of MY car when the weather is nicer.
So now some pics of Darwin for your viewing pleasure. :)

Oh hai, remember me?

I truly am awful at this. I say I'll blog and then I'm never here. I don't know why it stays with me, I'm like a bad boyfriend. One of these days I'll try to sign on and it just won't be here anymore. It would serve me right too. Oh well. Want to know how I bad I've been? Well February has been an extremely productive month. That car we went to look at? Bought it. Have I posted a picture? Nope. Will I? Let's not even go there...
We also added an addition to our family. (No I'm not pregnant gee thanks for reminding me and making me feel like a failure! Sheesh!) We adopted another cat. One and a half year old Darwin. Shadow is not thrilled with him despite Dar being IN LOVE with Shadow. I mean head over heels (paws?!). He looks for him, chasses him, tries to play with him, kisses his head when Shadow is sleeping and tries to snuggle up to his back. That last one only occurs when Shadow is out cold, otherwise it would never happen. It can't if he is aware. I think Shadow regards Dar for what he is, an annoying little brother. Darwin thinks they're playing while Shadow is bopping him on the head and hissing. There's no blood shed so I'm not worrying. Shadow talks tough but this is the first time in 16 years he's figured out he can hiss. :)

Yeah I know, I suck for not posting pictures. Maybe there will be a special post just for pics.

Maybe

Work is work. It's been crazy and annoying. I'm currently supposed to be filing out a profile to help them get me into a better position. There is nothing on these papers that says husband becomes HUGE success and Ashley resorts to 1950's mother and housewife. :( Hmph. (Hell I'd just be happy with the mother bit...) In all seriousness this thing is fuckin hard and I'm taking a break because I was crying out of sheer frustration. (I know I KNOW I am way to fuckin hormonal. Which is a hoot because according to the last lab results I have extremely high testosterone for a girl. Shouldn't I be immune to crying at the drop of a hat? Hah And wait till I find the fucker who keeps dropping his hat....) So yes, profile=evil pile of death papers and Ashley feels like a reject with no marketable skills.

Moving on...

After last Endo visit we learned that I am apparently insulin resistant which means I get to go back on Metformin the evil little pills that make me live in the bathroom. I'm waiting to hear back from my Gyno about this. There has to be another way. I was told the only way to neutralize the high testosterone would be to go on BC. Uhhh moron (Endo) I WANT to get pregnant, not PREVENT it. Asshat. (I've always wanted to say that!! {type that?!} It feels better than douchebag I think...thoughts?)

Fuck them all I say. I'm heading to new territory and by that I mean new docs. My MIL has one in mind so we'll see how that goes. He's a fab diagnostician apparently and since I hate my PCP this seems like a good place to start. If I like him then he can recommend the other docs I need.

I think I may have officially caught up with this thing! Score!! Now leave me some comments to make me feel loved. Leave some!!



Please?

Long time

Work has been kicking my ass...I am so freakin exhausted I never have time to update anymore! Sorry!!! Ok so where did I leave off?? Ah yes, the Endo visit was Wednesday. The Dr tried to tell me that he wasn't the guy for me to see. Ummm no... He said my thyroid was within the normal limits and then he asked if he could examine me. Guess what? My thyroid is enlarged. Hmmmm 

He asked if he could do a bunch f blood tests and I agreed. I have a follow up on the 9th so rather than drive myself crazy and speculate here I'll just wait.

.....

Work is hard. I have an extremely demanding job and the other day I had my first peson call back specifically to yell at me. Then o try and shake it off I called another person to try and help them..they got nasty too. My hormones are so screwed up what did I do? Burst right into tears!! Talk about embarrassing!! No one blamed me of course as I am still new and this was the first time but jeez...people are so dumb. Overall it was just a tough week. Luckily they hired my assistant and she should be starting this week.

Last night I had dinner with Imommy. Had a good time, it was great to be out without the guys. This might have to be a tradition. ;) I'm also trying to get a karaoke night together as she has never been to a bar OR karaoke. Some of my girlfriends are down so I'll see about organinzing that...

Let's see what else?

Today J, mom and I went to Chipotles for burritos and then to the Museum of Science. Spent a few hours there and had a good time. Then we decided it is time to get another cat. I have heard/read that when you have an older cat and plan on getting another it can be a god idea to have their times overlap so the n00b can learn from the older one. So....that's the plan. If anyone knows of any kittens who need a home or young-ish kitties, let me know. We had dinner at one of our fave places, Floramos over in Chelsea by my mom's. Seriously huge portions, AMAZING food and great prices. Go there if you haven't.

Later we went to pick up some Blue Moon and discovered there spring ale is out, Rising Moon. It's ok, but I find nothing is as good as the original. there was also a beer tasting in the back of the local liquor store. FUN. We tried some things that were good and also some that should never pass through human lips again. All in all a day full of win. We just finished Get Smart off netflix and knocked back a few beers (I'm not pg nor am I even ovulating so I'm going to live it up!) and that brings me to this update. J is currently in our office on the big Mac (hehe I so went there) researching cars and prices because tmw we have an appt to go look at the 2009 ford focus. It's time for Baby to get a new car!! Sweet!

I'll let ya know how that goes. Now despite this possibly being TMI, I'm feeling a bit frisky and want a piece of my husband! Ciao!!!

It's up to you...

I must be out of my mind. I have been sitting down with the Director where I work to learn more about the business. I won't get better on the phone unless I know what goes on backwards and forwards. Well in chatting with Jay and learning the techniques he uses I have started to really think about what I want. Add that to J thinking of law school and where he wants to go I may have come to a conclusion. 

I want to go back to NYC.

I miss it.

I know why it was miserable last time, we didn't have enough money. NYC is not for the shallow-pocketed. But if we were both working, had a nicer apartment (read: ELEVATOR) it would be great! I work for a career management firm, they help people get into the jobs of their choosing and on average their clients make about a 30% salary increase. I have two choices, I either suggest they open an office in NYC or I hire them. J would love to go to Columbia for law....

We both do miss it terribly.

I wonder if this is just crazy talk or if this is actually feasible in the next few years.

Hmmmmm

Weekend Update

So it would seem that I have 0 time. I never update this thing anymore. I miss it. Sundays appear to be my only days where I think to myself:gee, I have a second to think AND type". I'm currently parked on the couch watching the snow an awaiting breakfast. My husband is making me bacon and eggs*

(by eggs I mean egg beaters...)

We've just finished watching season 1 of "How I Met You Mother". This show is hysterical, "legendary" one might say. I really should get up and start the laundry...but I figure I have time. Judging by the amount of snow that is falling and its speed, I'll be inside all day. So much for he gym. ::sigh:: If only I could muster the energy. 

I have my Endo appointment next week. Wish me luck! I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I feel as though big things are happening. J is making decisions regarding law school, work is moving very quickly for me, I could be getting healthier by the end of next week...

So we shall see. Next Sunday I won't be so carefree. I have to attend a baby shower.

...

Yeah. It's for my cousin's fiancee(if they EVER get married. Not his first kid OR first fiancee mind you...) and one I feel extremely awkward because I have only met this girl once but also I'll be uncomfy for other reasons. SO I plan on lugging this large impressive camera and shooting all day so no one will see my face and gawd forbid any tears. 

It looks as if my brunch has arrived.

Peace!

Perks of being The Wife

I'm sitting in my somewhat toasty living room this snowy Sunday morning with a small electric blanket tucked around my legs, a mug of hot coffee to my left and a purring cat to my right. Where is my husband? Out shoveling the walk, driveway, and rediscovering our cars. Why is he doing this? Well for starters, it needs to be done or no one will get to work tomorrow, but he's also doing it so I can go to the mall and purchase a pair of boots that are on sale. Why? He has a fear of me missing sales. Heh. Sometimes, it's good to be me. No, I did not ask him to do this, he does these things of his own volition. Good deal eh? What am I doing? While to the untrained eye it may seem as if I am loafing about this Sunday morn, I am in actuality doing the laundry. (which honestly, is like being out in the snow. The dryer is out on the porch, the NON-insulated porch.) In our house there are unspoken rules I guess you might call them. We have distinctly guys things and girls things. Laundry is a girl thing. Taking out the trash and the recyclables are guy things. Shoveling or any kind of yard work is also a guy thing. Cooking 99.9% of the time is a girl thing. Dishes are neutral territory now that I work too. I usually cook and he usually cleans. The litter box is just a me thing, he won't touch it. (Though he is aware that if and when he finally knocks me up he will have to be responsible for cleaning it. Poor Shadow...)

That's all I can think of right now for our chores.

In other news I was reading a TTC community where a girl asked if anyone had done a reading with Ruby. 

http://babiesaregems.angelfire.com/index.html

Apparently she is a psychic with lots of success. She charges a bit of money for a reading. On the one hand I'm kind of curious but on the other (my more cynical,  skeptic side) thinks it is rubbish. I think that maybe since I am not getting ay answers with doctors, any answers would feel great about now. I would like to know when I'd get a bfp, that'd be sweet. Someone in the community purchased a reading, maybe I'll just wait and see if she is right...

Working Stiff...

I got a job! I'm the new Admin at R.L Steven's and Associates in Waltham. Check out their website. www.interviewing.com

Not bad huh?

It'll help pay the bills. ;) 

Shadow is NOT happy with me out all day. He mouthes off as soon as he hears my key in the door. It's cute in an extremely annoying sort of way. It's ok though, I miss him too. :) I do love that he begins to purr as soon as he hears me call him baby. So cute!

In other news there is still no sign of AF. I had some very minor pink streaking two days ago but a pt on the fly revealed another BFN, which I suspected. I wouldn't have tested again but when the tests are only a buck...what the hell right?

Still no Af signs. This is something to bring up with the Endo so I'm sorta glad I haven't gotten it. I hope I don't so he will see exactly what I have been dealing with.

Well, time for dinner. Heading to Fridays. Ciao!

Sad sad day...

NessaRose (Rosie)

R.I.P

June 2006 - January 2009

A couple of years ago J and I had bunnies. When we lived in NYC and had them plus a cat and a dog I realized that they weren't getting the best care possible. Bunnies should be only pets I feel, they require a TON of attention. So, it was with a heavy heart I found a loving home for my girls. A friend of mine in Brooklyn took them in. I went from mommy to aunt which was fine. :) I still got pics of them. I missed them but I knew in my heart it was best. Well, I got a note tonight that one of my girls, Rosie, had passed away. I'm beyond upset. My beautiful girl is gone. Her sister must be so upset. Elphie loved Rosie. Rosie was only 2 years old...that's so young for a bunny.

So here's to you Rosie, I know you are waiting on Rainbow Bridge.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone, that animal goes to Rainbow Bridge

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together

There is plenty of food, water, and sunshine and our friends are warm and comfortable

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again just as we remember them in our dreams of days gone by

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing, they miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind

they all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance.

His bright eyes are intent; his eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again.

The happy kisses rain upon your face, your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together...

-Author Unknown

Don't take this the wrong way....

but WTF?! Seriously, every woman who has commented on a post I made in the TTC community wound up pregnant this cycle. WTH?!

Waiting...tick tock tick tock

Ya know, when I started this blog it was solely for my TTC adventures. Now I think I have just grown away from my livejournal. I still have it and will keep it for the communities I guess, but I seem to have stopped updating it. Oh well. Maybe I just haven't figured out blogger yet, but how do I search for blogs relating to certain topics? 

Currently I am playing the waiting game. No, not about AF (though it still hasn't shown up and I don't have any symptoms. Maybe the hiatus has begun again?) but about a job. I had a fabulous interview on Tuesday and the asked me to come in again on Wednesday for a "working" interview. I actually got paid in cash for it! They also had me fill out a w-4 and an employee agreement because they are serious about me. They did have a few other interviews today as well as Monday. They are making their decision on Monday but I seem to be the candidate to beat so...yeah, playing the waiting game. I want the job but I am also extremely terrified of office work! I know everything is a learning experience and I am also well aware that I am intelligent and I can handle it but still....my anxiety could be the death of me!

So readers, point me in the direction of some fascinating blogs and distract me from this waiting game!

Happy New Year

Well this is the obligatory HNY post. 2009...jeesh, where are my flying cars already? I don't have much to say right now except that my trainer is evil and I am sore as hell. (Ok he's not evil...I like him but still, OW!!!) 

I'm not making any resolutions this year because I never keep them and I only wind up disappointing myself. So, here's to a year of new beginnings. I'm not going to diet I'll just be mindful. I'm taking control of my health too. No more doctor BS! Yay! 

Ahh dammit, those sound like resolutions. Oh well. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

Happy 2009 Everybody (and by everybody I mean all 3 or 4 of you who read this blog hehe)