Have you ever

known something was really wrong but couldn't quite put your finger on it? Not only that but have no idea how to remedy it. Yes? Well welcome to my world. Please, sit down and enjoy your stay. Is it cold? You look cold. I guess I am used to it. Sorry.

Yeah

Something is not right. I don't just mean about the ovulation/weight/potential Cushing's issue. I mean, well, I don't know what I mean. This is going to sound awful, repetitive, and somewhat indulgent but am I still screwed up from high school? Somewhere something switched... now to be honest I hated being the clingy, doting, girlfriend. Always affectionate, ever-forgiving, glutton for punishment. Now, not so much. Why do I have such a hard time loving my husband? That came out wrong. Why do I have such a hard time expressing how I feel to him? Is it from before? Or is it actually due to my unexplained issues that the medical professionals and I are trying to figure out?

I go through phases. Sometimes I'm very affectionate but mostly I'm kind of cold and turned off. I'm also one of those "if I don't really feel it I'm not going to fake it and try" types. (Funny coming from someone who was an actor)

Don't take this the wrong way. I love my husband and honestly don't know where I'd be without him. I just wish I was better at expressing it. My mom says I'm like my father but I disagree. I wasn't always this way. I used to be very affectionate, ask my ex's (actually don't...)and I even used to like sex. (This I know is due to whatever made me get fat and ruined my reproductive self...)

It's not him.

So why does he have to suffer? I hate that he does and he's so patient about it but honestly, it's got to take a toll on him too, he IS only human. 

I just wish I had answers...

I could go on and on about this forever but to what end? I won't be any closer to an answer than I was before. 

I do think I need a therapist. I wonder if our insurance covers it...

How does one go about this? A referral? I guess I'll just out and ask the Dr. on the 28th.

I need help...

I want help...

I just miss me. 

I'm in here somewhere...