So I know it’s been a long time since I updated this thing. I apologize. Though I’m not even sure anyone even reads this anyway. After Porkels’ death it just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to say, I had plenty, I just couldn’t. Since I had taken a month off for MJ’s death I couldn’t very well ONLY take a month off for a cat that was part of my life for 16 years, that just wouldn’t be fair. Two months didn’t seem enough either. Every time I thought about writing I froze. So many times I wanted to express in detail the events of that day, what happened and how it traumatized me.
I CHOSE to accompany my mom. I CHOSE to be in the room with her. I CHOSE to hug her and kiss her face and tell her I loved her and that everything would be ok soon. I CHOSE to be the
last face she’d see as I stood at her head holding her paw whispering I love you alongside my mother as she left this world, and us. I chose to do all that knowing full well my issues with death. So for the trauma I have no one to blame but myself, as well as the guilt.
And if you believe her euthanasia was as simple as all that and she just “went to sleep” then you have never seen it happen. It’s not easy and they don’t just go to sleep. I will forever see her body fight the sedative they gave her first by twisting and flopping on the table. Legs in the air like a turtle on its back and she just couldn’t get up despite her efforts. I’ll forever hear the
sound of her skull banging against the steel table as she flopped around. I was a mess. My
sunglasses were on and hot tears poured from my eyes for hours beforehand, during, and after. They had to give her a second sedative, the poor thing. I always assumed that once the shot is administered they just fall asleep. WRONG! We were told she’d make a gasping sound or two as the last of her oxygen was expelled from her lungs. Oh she made a gasping sound alright, she made several and each one sounded worse than the first. I could only think of her slowly suffocating. Her eyes didn’t close, they sorta bugged out a bit and the pupils were huge. I tried unsuccessfully to close her eyes. This is apparently why my mother chose to stand to Porkels’
back rather than face her like myself. Smart woman, though I couldn’t bear the thought of Porkels not being able to see us and only hear us as she departed.
I had a rough week after it happened. Luckily my husband is incredibly understanding and let me cry on him every night. That week was interesting for several reasons. Pork
els was PTS on a Monday and by the weekend there was a new kitten in the family and mom was in possession of Porkels’ cremains. She resides in a beautiful cedar box with a gold plated name tag that says : Porkels 10/16/92 – 7/20/09. The box is on top of an old tv stand that houses knick-knacks and photos in mom’s house in front of the last and best photo I had taken of her. It’s so sad to think of her in that tiny box and to know that we will never hear her purr again, see those beautiful green eyes gazing up at us trying to figure out what we’re eating and if she’s being cute enough to get any, or touch her soft fur ever again. We still miss her terribly, especially mom.
I felt it finally appropriate to update as tomorrow is Shadow’s (and would be Porkel’s) 17th birthday. It’s extremely bittersweet for me as I know in my heart that this will be the last birthday Shadow will ever see. My baby boy is dying right before my eyes and there is nothing I can do to help him. Even if surgery was financially an option he is 17 years old and would never
survive it. My once 16lb bundle of love is skin and bones and a mere 5.2lbs. He weighed 9lbs at his yearly in January and then 7 at his appointment in July. He’s dropped the last bit since July and he weighed in at 5.2 last night when J weighed him. To be perfectly honest I am hoping that one of these days when I go to check on him he has just quietly passed on in his sleep. I do not
want to have to make a PTS appointment for him. I just can’t make that decision. If I thought it was bad losing Porkels how is it going to be when I lose my baby? Porkels I loved but she was really mom’s cat. Now Shadow, well he’s my boy, always has been. Laugh if you will but he has
been with me more than half of my life. This cat is my son and I love him more than anything. I am going to be absolutely gutted when he goes. Truthfully I am suffering now watching my baby deteriorate before my very eyes. I cry a lot these days. Luckily Shadow still allows me to sob into his fur and Darwin has let me on occasion as well. It gets harder and harder to snuggle Shadow as he is so bony and has trouble getting comfortable. He does do his damndest to lay as close to me as possible though and most night I find him curled up on my pillow, his paw
resting on my head or my arm. This is hard and it is only going to get harder. Before the water level in my eyes rises any higher I am going to switch gears. Birthday post tomorrow and just try to keep Shadow in your thoughts.
Now I mentioned a kitten did I not? Some may already be familiar with my little girl but others may not. After Porkels’ passed my girl A thought my mom might like a kitten and so s
he had me ask her. A’s mom runs a daycare and one of the kids’ parent’s friend’s cat had had kittens. (You follow that?!) Mom politely declined but I asked A to find out what sex the kitten was and what type. A was leaving for a cruise but said she’d have her dad check and she’d let me know. Somehow somewhere “what kind of kitten are they and what sex?” turned into “Ashley wants one of the kittens”. Do not ask me how. So later that week I get a call from A’s mom, M. She tells me my kitten is being dropped off at her place that afternoon and what time would I be coming by to get it. Imagine my surprise! I told her that I hadn’t said I wanted a kitten that I was just curious about them. She freaks out ever so slightly because she knows she can not
keep the kitten, they have 2 very large, non-cat friendly dogs. Naturally it is a Friday and she has nowhere to turn. I also discover that this kitten is a female when I prefer males. ::grumble:: I felt awful for M as she is so sweet and sensitive and she felt terrible about the miscommunication even though she had had nothing to do with it. I also started to feel bad for this kitten that no one seemed to want and was starting to get the sneaky suspicion that she had been dumped. So I told M it would not be a problem and I would take the kitten in. I told
her I’d be down later afternoon to pick her up.
When I got there I see a teeny tiny kitten that looks almost identical to Shadow. (Seriously, all the color combinations in the world and the SAME as my beloved Shadow?! Grrr) I scoop her up and she promptly falls asleep on me. No one knows I have this kitten, not my in-laws, whose house J and I are living in, and not even J. I’m just going to go home and show up with a baby kitty. This should be fun. My first stop is actually my mom’s house, who despite not actually wanting the cat fell in love with her anyway. She is perfectly content playing Nana to the cats. Of course when I got home everyone “ohhhhed” & “ahhhhed” over the kitten and no one was angry. She went a few days without a name as we needed to come up with the perfect one. We
finally settled on Charlotte as it means “little &womanly” and she is tiny and the only female in the Carnes’ Cat Trio. We never actually call her Charlotte though, she goes by Charlee and her tag even reads Charlee. Charlee is derived from the male version “Charlie” which means FREE and believe me when I tell you this cat HATES to be confined! She had to have a separate play-pen for a few months until she was large enough to have the run of the house unsupervised and she was none to thrilled with her accommodations. Now she is almost 5 months old and has had her freedom for a few weeks now. Everything is working out wonderfully with her. She is quite a momma’s girl and loves to sleep on my head in my hair. She behaves at the vet and even
rides well in the car. Once a week I take her down to my mom’s house for a girl’s day so now
she doesn’t associate the carry case with the vet’s office. She absolutely ADORES Darwin and the feeling is mutual. Shadow tolerates them both but he’s old so he’s grumpy and it’s to be expected.
(Charlee's first night. So tiny!!)
Let’s see…what else is new….
(Charlee today!)
J is enjoying law school immensely, which makes everyone happy. I’m still struggling with my photography but have since learned it is my lens and NOT me. I would also like to say that I have lost 36.4lbs since starting my lifestyle change in July and have gone from a size 12 in jeans to a size 4. I’m quite close to my goal weight but I’m content here too. I see the diabetic nurse in about 2 weeks and I am excited. I hope she has some good news for me!
Well that’s about it for now. I’ll try to be a bit more regular in my updates from now on. I hope I still have readers!
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